Tuesday, April 11, 2017

You are KIDDING me!!

I have always been convinced that the best way to parent is to pull one over on your children. I mean if I can negotiate with them in the moment to avoid the inevitable meltdown I will do it. In the future, we can just say, "Oh remember when Mommy used to tell you that....well that was a DOWNRIGHT LIE....HA HA HA!!! Hey some mom's have there things.

1.So I once heard someone say, " I told my children when the music plays on the ice cream truck it is out of ice cream." Well that is absolutely genius! My children never ask me for money. My 4 year old hears the music as it rounds the corner and says, "Mom, it's out of ice cream again." "Oh, I am so sorry honey, that you can't buy that $4.00 Spongebob ice cream pop that you will just eat the gumball eyeballs out of and then melt all over my house." I want to kiss the person who devised this brilliant trickery and hope that my oldest doesn't start to figure it all out!

2.My husband bought me this adorable piggy bank where the panda bear pokes his head out and drags the coin in. It took forever to arrive because it was shipped from China, but it was worth every cent. My children became so obsessed with the thing that they started to go scrounging around the house for coins. I was beginning to think that I had found a small business for myself. I had to lay down the law when they were willing to bust into their own piggy banks to continue to make the thing work, I am not that greedy! That piggy bank is a secret gold mine though!

3.I am what you would call an Honorable Mention kind of adult. I am just OKAY at being a wife, I am the World's OKAYEST Mom, and I probably get a capital F in housework. So when I had children and they offered to do chores I thought, well YAY for me!!! Then I realized why the Duggar's have 19 children, they basically had the whole Downtown Abbey staff ready and waiting for them to cook, clean, and take care of the other children. I used to think they were crazy, now maybe they were secretly brilliant. Anyway, my children were excited to do things that I didn't consider exciting like wash my fridge doors, this is a job that typically I wouldn't even consider doing, until a MAJOR holiday, but my 4 year old would have done it every weekend, just to be helpful. Well gosh darn, you little helpful bugger, you are hired. So yes my children are awesome and I love that they like to do things around the house, because dishes are not my thing!

4. The oldest child is so PICKY when it comes to eating. She can't eat anything unless it is a chicken nugget or candy. So we have gotten to the point where we lie and when she asks what it tastes like we say "candy". What is that? That is meat candy! Yum I love it! Of course you do, eat your meat candy!

5.Sometimes I just don't have the heart to go anywhere out of my house, it can be a physical challenge for me to remove myself from the wonderful confines of my safe home. Also if by chance I end up having to go somewhere unknown it is a whole different story, because this could end up with me becoming completely lost with my children. This is a terrible situation for everyone. So to save the heartache of everyone being miserable the place is just closed, until Daddy can take us.

6.Yes should probably not ever be uttered from a parent's mouth unless they are ready to do something immediately. Mommy can I invite my friend over? "Yes that is fine!" Oh SHIT!!! I said it, and quickly realize that now I am in BIG trouble. Now, can they come over right now? NO! In five minutes? No! In an hour? NO! TONIGHT! NO! NO! NO! In fact they can't ever come over, I forgot your father has to make these decisions. Just a word of warning never utter Yes and more than likely you should also stay away from maybe, as that is just a Yes in disguise.

7.When you have young children date night or afternoon is a nap at the park and ride. Honestly, my husband and I have considered going into one of those Escape Rooms and not trying to escape. Nope, we realize our time is up and we didn't get out, we were napping. Sorry is our time up, can we pay you for another hour?

8.My children would proudly run around naked if I allowed them to. They enjoy the freedom of their nakedness and wouldn't hesitate to parade around the house without clothing unless I tell them otherwise. I have often told them, "put your undies on someone is at the door." This gets them dressed and then they run down to see who was there. Who was it? Oh, just someone I didn't know!

9.Remember your children will always promise you that they will behave when presented with a situation that they want to do. Do you promise to be on your best behavior? Yes, we will, I promise, Sissy do you promise, ok she promises too! Don't be fooled by these lies! It is never a promise that they can keep. They can keep this promise for about five minutes and then it becomes complete chaos and everyone at the restaurant hates you! They give you the death glare and wish you had found a babysitter, and how dare you bring your children out who blatantly lied to you, with their filthy promises? They are catching on to this scheme way earlier than I ever imagined.

10. No matter what it takes you know that it is always for the best. Sometimes the toy your child wants is just not that good or too expensive, oops mommy doesn't have any cash and you can only buy this with cash. Whatever it takes remember it is for your own sanity and also your children will one day forgive you because they will do it one day as well to you, when they are sneaking in at some late hour!

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