Thursday, April 6, 2017

What the....

There are many things that I just don't get....I wonder why they are the way they are and of course because I am labeled a WORRIER and I "QUESTION EVERYTHING" I have to tell you about it.

1.Eclipses are such a hazard for people. One is ok to look at and the other will burn out your retinas. One time we were going out to dinner with friends and there was a lunar eclipse that night. I looked up in the sky and said, "oh look the eclipse is starting." My friend yells out, "don't look at it you will burn your eyes out." She got her eclipses mixed up and all of a sudden I realized we had a crisis situation if you make a mistake you could burn out your FREAKING retinas. So note to self don't look at any type of eclipse.

2.Why can't they attach the head to the people on the traffic signs or warning signs that you see displayed. I have never seen a person with a floating head cross the road or ride a bicycle or drive a tractor. I call a huge BLUFF on your sign. Sometimes I just want to go around with a sharpie and add a neck, how hard would that be to add a neck to the little circle. While you are at it make sure your picture matches what you want us to do. If you want us to sit while on an amusement park ride don't make it look like I am break dancing on the ride because clearly I would never be doing that!
What the...who does my two options are to sit perfectly still holding hands or to get up and with reckless abandon just tell my child to start doing the hokey pokey!

3.I went to the ATM to get money for daycare expenses and noticed there was braille on the drive up ATM machine, now I am no rocket scientist, but I am just wondering what the... What blind person is driving up to an ATM machine to get money out of an ATM machine. "Hey honey I am just going to get some money out of the ATM, oh ok, don't forget to have your seeing eye dog drive you down", I call BS on that. It even says do not walk thru the drive thru ATM's so who is using it?

4.My children watch youtube and not because I am a bad mommy, clearly I hope there is some educational value. Plus there are times when mommy needs a break and screen time is allowed. So when they are allowed to watch their screens they watch youtube and what do they watch you ask? They watch people opening things.......yes this is a thing! So they watch people's hands open bags and say, "ooh....I got a Rainbow Dash pony." Are you kidding me? So I was just curious about this and people make a TON of money opening bags on youtube. I am clearly in the wrong field. Stop writing and open bags of "shit."

5.Why on Earth does Reese's try to make their delicious peanut butter cups into anything other than a peanut butter cup? Honestly the trees just look like Mr. Hanky the Christmas poo and since I love peanut butter cups so much I have to just accept that I ate a peanut butter cup that looked like a poop. Stop making them into shapes that I can't discern and just make them into delicious peanut butter cups. Enough with the Mr. Hanky Poo Cups!

6.How have we not figured out how to make clothes all the same size? I can't go to the store and pull anything off the rack and take it home. Instead I have to try on 500 things that are all "the same size", but some are too big and some are too small, and some are baggy in some parts and not others. What confuses me further is this only seems to happen with women's clothes? My husband can go into a store pull a shirt and pants off the rack, go home, put them on, and they fit great. Tell me how is this possible? Figure it out people!!

7.Since owning my own home I am increasingly more and more jealous of home decorators. I watch HGTV like it is crack and I have dreams of shiplap. I just don't get how they pull it all together. Honestly, I look at my house and granted I have a collection of stuff and by stuff I mean old paperwork, broken toys, and other chaos that barfed its way into my house. My greatest accomplishment is my mantle, which I have been able to decorate for Halloween, Christmas and now for Spring (Easter). I think this is merely a success because it is small space only requiring about six things on it to be decorated. The key is to start small and then one day maybe I will say, "HOLY SHIPLAP I decorated my house."

8. How can something supposedly so smart be so stupid? That is what I wonder about my brand new vehicle that we bought. Yes, we broke down and bought a minivan, first off I was horrified about that as I felt I would never own a MINIVAN. Since I own one though, I should at least own a good one so we bought a brand new one with all the bells and whistles and I mean literally all the bells it beeps at you all the time, you are too close to shit, beep, it might be icy, beep, but when you are actually going to have something important happen like OH SAY RUN OUT OF GAS, it is dead silent not even a single beep. It is like the van is secretly telling you that there are just some things that you need to figure out how to do, don't be so lazy. Don't tell me how to adult van, beep at me, give me a sign, something!

9. Why can't I ever do a do it yourself project without it looking like a disaster. I go to Pinterest and see that beautiful easy to make in ten steps creation and I end up making the creature from the Black Lagoon. Now I will admit I have found myself some great recipes via Pinterest and given my cooking track record there must be some sort of wizardry connected to the site, because god knows I don't know how to cook. Just once though, I want to make something that looks like a project on one of those pins. Adding it to the BUCKET LIST, make DIY that doesn't look like creature from Black Lagoon!

10.I have come to the conclusion that I have "inability to smile when forced to syndrome". When asked to smile for a photograph I instantly get the someone is impaling me up my butt clenched teeth look, with double chins for free look. Just once I want to look like a supermodel without having to work hard, like a glamour shot without having to be all laser background and teased hair. I promise you I have a pleasant smile I mean I laugh a lot it can't be that bad, but I am telling you I have some bad picture faces, the DMV has proof!!!

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