Sunday, April 9, 2017

We WON'T Negotiate with TODDLERISTS!

Our toddler is as she states, "aweso" (awesome)! We love her to death and we think that she will grow up to be the least likely to drive us crazy. I hold out hope that she will be the one who will care for me when I am old and gray, because she loves me that much. However in the mean time she turned 2 and everything became horrible.

1.Everything she wants, she immediately doesn't want. "Mommy, milk please!" I stupidly go and get the milk like a trained monkey only to have her sprawl out on the floor and yell, "NO MILK, NO MILK!" Good Lord, what on earth just happened. We just went from milk please, to the demonic possession of a child screaming NO!!!! So back to the fridge goes the milk, "NO MOMMY, MILK PLEASE!!!" Are you kidding me??? When do you get efficient enough to get your own things?

2.My toddler has a sleeping threshold where when she is tired she goes from completely fine to overtired in 2 seconds. One minute we are reading a bedtime story and next thing we know it is Death CON, every man for himself, as she is screeching at us, SLEEP, SLEEP!! Ok, I get it close your eyes, I am not holding you against your will. You are a child with hardly any responsibilities, you get the pleasure of enjoying a nap, which often times you refuse. Mommy would love to have a NAP!! So just close those eyes and relax.

3.My oldest child had a pacifier way too long and by way too long, people were giving us wayward stares at Disney as my four year old screamed for her WUBBY!! OH yeah, she was attached! Fortunately, just before PreK started we magically got that thing out of her face and got rid of all of them. My youngest never took to a pacifier and I was secretly happy because having your four year old walk around with one I didn't want to go through that again. Then she started to come up with her own self-soothing behaviors, which are TERRIBLE!! At first it was rubbing the thumbnail of whoever she was rocking with. I couldn't stand it, it was like nails on a chalkboard, my husband had to rock her every night because it DROVE ME CRAZY! She finally got over that one, but now has acquired a new request that might just propel me back to the thumbnail rubbing, TICKLE my feet. WHAT??? Yes, she sticks out her foot from the covers as she is starting to get tired and says, "Mama, tickle my feet." Ok, well that is weird! So I tickle her feet. Well it isn't tickling, more like tapping, then it isn't good enough, too much, too soft, too tickly, other foot.....seriously. Put your foot under the GD covers and GO TO BED!!

4.When your first child starts to talk you are amazed and it is adorable and when the second child starts to talk you are amazed and it is just as adorable especially when they say incredibly funny things. For whatever reason, my youngest adds the /d/ sound to words. So when she wasn't feeling so well, yup you guessed it she was "DICK", she was "SO DICK"! We laughed and laughed, at her expense, and secretly hoped she would be "SO DICK" again just so that she would have to say it!

5.When you have to Number 2 I really don't understand the rationale behind denying it. My toddler will go in her diaper and completely deny that she went to the bathroom. Did you just poop? No! It smells like poop? No! You have a unicorn horn sticking out of your butt? No! I am going to change your diaper! No!! This goes on and on until I walk her all the way up the stairs and actually change her as she is screaming, NO, NO, NO!! I mean somethings you just cannot deny.

6.When my youngest gets exceptionally mad with me she may do the three worst violations, hit, spit, or bite. Today at the grocery store it was nearing nap time and she was not wanting to sit in her car seat, so she lunged for my face to bite me. LAY OFF ME BABY MIKE TYSON! What the HELL!! No that is not ok, well she wasn't going to give in, then she spit. Well we had a big talk about that the other day. Listen, you said you promise not to do that anymore, so you better put that spit right back into your mouth young lady. She looked at me wiped her face and licked her hand. I suppose she was trying to put it back in her mouth, so it felt like a mommy victory, I will take it!

7.Children can never play with toys until their sibling has a toy and then suddenly it is now their FAVORITE toy. This is the rationale of my oldest daughter, because every time my youngest daughter finally gets settled down with a toy my oldest claims it is her favorite and her sister is ruining all of her things. Your things, it wasn't your thing for two months, she found it in the bottom of your toy bin, get over it!!

8.Speaking of ruining things, my toddler is great at doing two things, making crayons naked and drawing all over everything that is not a FREAKING coloring book. So in my mind I was like I want my children to be into art. Well instead, I should have thought I want my children to not mess up my FREAKING house by "Picasso"ing the shit out of it. It starts out fine, a coloring book and she is all absorbed in it and then mommy walks away and suddenly my whole living room is colored. WHAT THE.......??? Thank god for the Magic Eraser, Mr. Clean is a GOD!!!!

9.My toddler is Simon Cowell's not really....this isn't a TMZ exclusive or anything. She just takes after him as no one singing impresses her. If we are in the car, it has to be dead silent. Only she can sing the songs and if someone should so much as utter a sound, you will hear it, NO SING, NO SING, RIGHT NOW!!!

10.All things considered, I am very fortunate to have my "littles" and I know this. As a mommy who was faced with infertility and didn't know if this would ever be my story I do appreciate the times when they drive me a little CRAZY!! Much better them driving me crazy then someone else's children, plus I am the World's OKAYEST mom, so we all have our little things to work on!

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