Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Phobias Scare Me

I have a lot of things that I don't like, some are more along the lines of phobias and others are just general annoyances that are just disturbing, gross, or make me generally agitated. I don't know why I am a afraid of so many things maybe I am just one of those overly sensitive spooked type of people who is afraid of their own shadow.

1.Birds tops the list hands down. Their big spear faces, sharp talons, beady eyes, and some of them eat dead things off of the road, preferably I think some would prefer it was me they were eating. I am so petrified of some birds that I can't even make eye contact with photographs of them, turkeys, chickens, ostriches, emus, CASSOWARYS (if you have no idea what that is, I will warn you don't look it up), it is like a GD dinosaur that lived, didn't get blown away by the meteor and is still roaming the earth as a terrifying bird.

2.The Ouija board, uhhhh...ok.....just typing that word made me pee a little. So when I was a kid some girl in my school convinced me that I ticked off a spirit from the Ouija board that latched itself to me. I was terrified of the thing after that. I never looked at the game, played the game, and it was so bad one time I had a sleepover at a friend's house and she had the game in her room and I refused to stay in there until it was removed. I don't know if Milton or Bradley would ever come out of that board and strangle me to death, but I WAS NOT taking any chances.

3.Clowns are the worst thing that anyone ever thought was a funny and good idea for kids. The idea of putting somebody in tons of makeup, with an overly exaggerated smile, big huge crazy eyes, and a red nose and having them try to entertain children was a BAD IDEA!!!! I didn't really care for clowns long before there was a movie about them. Now I love Halloween and the idea of dressing up, but the idea of a person dressing up like a clown seems gross, GROW UP you WEIRDO!! Most recently they have had all those "CREEPY CLOWN" sightings, yeah if I saw one, I would punch it right in its mouth!

4.I have never really watched a Horror Movie, EVER! I feel that the scariest thing I saw as a child was the Thriller video with Michael Jackson, I didn't sleep for a week. I still think that all those plastic surgeries were to cover up his real life zombie face. I think that I didn't like Horror movies because I believed so much in ghosts, aliens, monsters, etc as a kid. When we were very young my brother and I used to run in terror when the theme song to Unsolved Mysteries came on, somehow we knew that song was like the Ring video it would come back to haunt you and kill your family.

5.I am ridiculously superstitious so when I had children it was a true test of my endurance. "No we don't open the umbrella in the house that is bad luck." "No we don't open the umbrella......what did I say about the umbrella....you are dooming our family quit it with the umbrella." I am not a fan of superstitions they make my life so challenging or maybe I just don't like umbrellas....hmmm!!!

6.Pennies are disgusting have you ever smelled a penny, it is SO FOUL!!! No wonder people drop them on the ground, they walk around saying, "what is that smell, do you smell that." Oh jesus, my pocket has a penny in it, GET RID OF IT." Also this may be why there are bath tubs for pennies at shopping malls to get rid of the awful penny stench. Make a wish, "OK I wish you wouldn't smell like a butt, bye butt penny!"

7.So my husband and I often play this game when we drive and get stuck behind an awful driver call "Guess who is driving?" Oddly it usually always plays out like this "old person, probably female." Now don't get me wrong, my grandmother drove for a very long time and drove fast, like a speed demon, but it was because she was always late for Bingo Night! I am declaring right now that if you can't go the speed limit you need to be off the road, STAT, I cannot be burdened by your rubbernecking, sunday driving, can you believe how much has changed tour of the interstate. OUT OF MY WAY LADY!!!

8.I pride myself on knowing how to spell things and I do my best to edit my work and make sure I cross my t's and dot my i's and all that business. So when I got married I was not prepared for the fact that I would be marrying into a family of "I can't spell things righters" not writers (just in case you were wondering if I couldn't spell either). No they can't spell much of anything RIGHT. One time we had a huge storm and one of his family members said they were "BERRIED in snow!" I couldn't resist that one I asked if they were blueberried, strawberried, or raspberried? I hope my children do NOT inherit that gene.

9. When I go shopping I like to zone out because often I try to A. go unsupervised because I may charge things and B. crowds overwhelm me and if I just pretend they are not around I can make it through. When I go through a mall and there are kiosks in the middle if a person should even speak to me and TO HELL if they try to touch my face, "NO, I don't want to try your anti-aging cream and by the way that is rude to judge my face." I mean part of me feels bad for them, they have to get turned down all the time by people who are petrified of strangers touching their face, but it is a STRANGER touching your face. GROSS!!!

10. I hope I am not alone here and that someone can relate to at least one of these fears, annoyances, or general disturbances in life. I can't be the only person that feels this way. I certainly know that I have met some people that are afraid of birds, maybe not my level afraid of birds, but afraid. So now it is your turn if you read this post and make it all the way to the bottom of the list because honestly you should and if you don't I will know because you won't get the magic word, please post your fears below let's compare over coffee and computer!! Oh the magic word is BUTT PENNY!!!

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