Monday, April 3, 2017

Pants Cult

My two legs just joined a cult and I don't know what to do about it. Reasons why I joined this cult, why I should have avoided it, and why I am slightly obsessed.

1. When they say "buttery" soft they are not talking about put it on your movie popcorn "buttery", they are talking about getting all up in your business soft. "People who barely know you will try to touch you", just saying!

2.When you get a bad pair, like a rip in the tush pair, you get so mad. I just paid 30 bucks for you pants and I wanted to wear the heck out of you. I will never buy from that, ooh look at that pair, yup a freaking cult, I kid YOU NOT!!

3.You don't have to sign your life away or anything, or give away your children for this type of cult, although I have wondered how many more pants I could get if I donated one of my children to maybe make some of the pants? I have got to teach my kids how to sew.

4.Now this is not only a pants organization this is where it gets good. So first you get your pants and you are all in heaven and then they say, "Well good lord girl you can't go out in those pants without covering your rear end you better buy our special shirts." You think what kind of special shirt could possibly go with these HEAVEN pants, and then dang it, you got 20 different kinds of "special shirts" to cover the rear of your pants.

5. Now people will complain that these pants are not fashionable and some people are not the right body type for them, I say screw them, these pants are so damn comfy and when you put them on you will want to be in my cult too.

6. Have you ever searched for an elusive unicorn, until I joined my "pants cult" I thought they didn't exist and then there were unicorns everywhere. Suddenly everyone was shouting I found my unicorn, did you see that unicorn, holy hell, what are they all tripping on seeing Unicorns. Then I found an elusive Unicorn, like the majestic beast that I always believed she would be and for the small price of $25 plus shipping she was mine all mine!!!

7.So not only can you join one pants cult you can join many all over the UNITED STATES, this is when you know you are like really in over your head. I have joined cults in Idaho, Alaska, New York, California, and from who else knows where. I have a map of "pants cults" I am hoping to buy from all of the states, BUCKET LIST!!

8.This cult is getting so intense I have even seen MEN wear these pants and not just too be funny because they like them. Now I watch a LOT of football so I have seen men in tight pants before, but men in tight "buttery" pants....hmmmm

9.You are probably now deciding that you A.Need to join me and have a pair of these luxurious pants and honestly I can't deny you the opportunity. I mean social media has just become a pants explosion. It is like Facebook should now be called Pantsbook.

10.If I have to pick my battles of a cult to join, who can really say that wearing pants is going to be a BIG deal, I mean yes I have like more than I could ever wear in a lifetime, and I have enough "buttery" softness to butter up the bakery, but there are WAY worse things to devote your time to, RIGHT?

*(To protect the members of my organization I have not released the name of my pants cult, however key words used in my text may give away the particular organization in which my cult resides. I do ask that you protect them and respect them. Please know that I am forever grateful for this company and their love of my two legs!)

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