Thursday, April 13, 2017

Nobel Mommy Prize

Mom's deserve A LOT of credit and I mean A LOT!! We are a pretty amazing lot, I mean I rank probably in the participation category, like I got to join in because I had children, but some Moms are just stellar. Talking, PINTEREST MOM!!! Yeah, you know who you are!! Staying up until 3 am to make that costume for the school play, yay for you, OSCAR WORTHY PERFORMANCE!!! Honestly though being a mom can be tough so if you can make it through any of these things that I consider to be mommy challenges you should get a NOBEL PRIZE!!

1.Do you shower everyday? If so you deserve a Nobel Prize! I used to shower 3 times a day when I was in college and now I am lucky if I can get 3 minutes of shower time every 3 days. It is so bad that when I finally get in the shower, I feel like I have entered a spa and I am rewarding myself. Yes I am rewarding myself with daily hygiene. So if you are a mom who gets to shower on the daily, kudos to you! I think you are the most amazing mom to walk the face of the Earth!

2.Speaking of bathrooms, if you ever get to shower the other thing you will never be able to do is go to the bathroom alone ever again. I have had to go to the bathroom with both of my children sitting on my lap before, just because they wanted to sit with me. When I asked my husband to come get them, he said, "What, they are fine!" No, thank you very much, this is not fine, I don't want lap sitters while I am trying to go to the bathroom. Suddenly I have become Santa and everyone needs to tell me their thoughts, hopes, and dreams while I sit and try to go #2. So invest in locks or an electric fence, whatever you need to keep them away from that general vicinity.

3.This is how desperate my children are to get to me at all costs. My oldest child figured out at age 3 how to pick locks. She was like toddler McGyver! She would search around her room for something to use and pick her lock to get out of her room so she could sleep with us at night. Suddenly this also became useful if we locked the bathroom door for privacy and then she would pick that lock. So not to be outdone, my 2 year old has now learned the business of lock picking. The other day I saw her use an old credit card to try and bust the door open on my husband, while he was in the bathroom. This is madness and I am not safe with these children!!

4.I have an idea that socks when you throw them into the dryer turn into additional dryer sheets, because when I take out a load of laundry I always have a lot of missing socks and a whole SHIT TON of dryer sheets, when I clearly only threw in one. How is this even possible? Chores should not be this complicated and matching socks should not be a game that has to be played EVERY WEEK!!

5.Child safety anything is just a lie!!! If you have a McGyver child like my lock picker you are just in for it. We did all the things that we were supposed to with the cupboard clips, and the doorknob handle covers, and my 4 YO can crack those things like a safe. I can't even figure them out half the time, but she is into everything in like two minutes flat. I really hope this leads to some lucrative job for her because she is like Houdini!

6.Dead silence is the worst when you are a parent. You would think in your mind that silence is the best, but it is not, it is the worst. Silence is when the trouble has begun. Silence in my household means that the children have found something they are not supposed to have and are decorating themselves or my house with it. One day my oldest daughter got into Daddy's cologne during the "silence", she smelled so bad she had to shower because she practically bathed herself in it. Then on another day she decided the bathroom smelled gross so she sprayed my straightening spray all over the tile floor, well it turned it into a GD skating rink!! I will admit, it did smell nice though! If by chance you hear silence and the dreaded, "NO don't tell Mommy or Daddy, then you know you are in for it. This was what we heard the day that my 4 year old decided to color my 2 year old from head to toe with markers. So silence is not GOLDEN and if you don't hear anything RUN and find your children they are destroying themselves or something.

7.I really appreciate the mom who looks put together, she did her hair, put on her makeup, and made a general effort to get dressed and be presentable. I am at the mom stage where I have a bare face, ponytail, leggings and a baggy shirt. This girl is just getting by!!! Now fortunately it hasn't gotten to the point where my husband has said, "you are going out in that?", but I do foresee that at some point. There is just no point in getting all done up when you are just going to get SNOT all over your shoulder, or food crumbs, or some other mystery substance of the day plopped on you. So you moms that get yourself together you are truly my inspiration! I envy you!

8.I don't have a lot of close friends, since I have lived all over the place I have more acquaintances. By this I mean I have like 500 Facebook friends that I briefly talk to here and there, wish them a Happy Birthday, and like the pictures of their cats and kids. Moms that go on shopping trips with friends, vacations with friends, trips with just their husband, moms who have friends period, that is just AMAZING!! I have always been in awe of moms who have a bestie and they do everything together. "Oh, yeah Susie is with her babysitter because my friend and I are going to the Bahamas!!" What??? Why is Susie with the babysitter, don't you have a husband? So moms that have a life outside of "MOMMING" you ROCK!!

9.I think that I need a hobby, do moms have hobbies where they do something other then the mom thing. I watch a lot of reality tv and this one show I watched the moms went and did a Tequila tasting, who would ever think that as a thing? I am even impressed that people come up with this stuff. I haven't had a drink in so long, one taste of tequila would have me tasting the floor. Give me some help readers of my blog, what hobbies could I do to make me a mom that isn't just doing the Mommy thing. My interests include, reading, reading, reading, staying in my house, and reading!!! Good LORD I am a FREAKING book club recluse.

10.I want to say that I am really impressed with the Moms that are out there today doing there thing. You are showered, probably dressed to the nines, with your makeup and hair done up. You just pinned the next ten DIY projects you are going to do with your kids and you are planning your child's 3rd birthday party and they just turned 1. Yup, I LIKE YOU MOM!!! Please accept your NOBEL MOMMY PRIZE!!!

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