Monday, April 3, 2017

Into the Outside

I am not an outside fan, there are many things in the "outside" that are not my friends. A list of potential outside threats.

1.As my friend Scaredy Squirrel has advised me everything outside the safety of the home is "the UNKNOWN". I do not need to go out into the unknown you never know what might be out there to get you.

2.Nature animals are terrifying, when you look at them from the comforts of your home they are majestic and beautiful. When you look at them eye to eye you pee yourself and run for cover. There is no bird I have ever met that I enjoyed seeing outside. (FYI I have a huge phobia of birds, they are basically animals with spear faces aiming directly for your eyes).

3.Bugs have diseases and not just the common cold type disease, diseases that can make you REALLY, REALLY sick. Who wants that? Plus I am a bug magnet, they must think my blood is like the elixir of the gods. It is like they know I am a fine indoor wine, she only comes out once and awhile, she is rare, GET HER!!!

4.Snow is not for me, playing in the cold is not fun. You get all dressed up until you sweat to death and then go outside so that you can freeze your face off. Wow, that 10 seconds of running outside was completely worth my time, I just loved every minute of it.

5.Outside things are not my things. My husband wants me to camp (dry heave). If I want to camp I will go to a one star hotel instead of a four star hotel. There is a good chance of bugs in that place as well.

6.I love the sun but it burns my face and not even into a nice crispy brown tan. Instead I turn into a nice lobster cooked red. I end up bathing in Aloe Vera and wishing that nothing touched my skin at all, no clothing, no children, no air. After all that pain the redness goes down and turns into a nice milky white, wait what the.....NOT FAIR!!!

7.The beach is the definition of BAD!! Sand that burns your feet when you walk on it and then it sticks to parts of your body that then become abrasive like sandpaper. Summer sandpaper thighs are super sexy, they make me question everything about bathing suits, like why Spanx are not in my bathing suit.

8.Let me go back to the birds for a second since I am talking about the beach, those NASTY DUMP CHICKENS, or SEAGULLS, straight out of a Hitchcock film. They will swoop down and bite your face off for your food. They are freaking terrifying and ruin any sort of relaxation that you could have while at the beach. Just to make it worse you have that creepy, "pretending to be nice" beach-goer that has to feed the "poor" seagull. Yeah that poor seagull just ate a whole toddler's lunch and possibly the toddler, do NOT FEED THE NASTY DUMP CHICKENS!!!

9.I am trying to find something great about going outside that I am missing. All the things that I need in life are inside, I don't want to go to the bathroom outside, I don't want to go to bed outside, I don't want to take a shower outside. I need some help here people!!

10. I know that in my heart I love the stars, the sunset, the falling rain, and the rainbows that follow. I am just glad that I can look at all those things from INSIDE!!!

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