Sunday, April 23, 2017

I Can't Have Nice Things

When you decide to have children you also decide to birth "little destroyers of everything." You will never have anything nice again. So stop buying your nice pottery barn things and NEVER watch HGTV and think WOW I wish I could redo my house to look like that. NO, NEVER, EVER think about that, because as soon as you do it, a big RED crayon will destroy it ALL!!! You have been warned.

1.My children are experts at destroying the mundane things in my house that I don't think that I really care about until they are broken. "Honey, have you seen my camera charger?" "Why the H, does it have bubble gum on it?" Ahhhh....you children.....and your need to not keep things in your mouth. Why do you have to take the bubble gum out of your mouth and stick it on my things. Go put it on your own things.

2.If you ever have a favorite food kiss it goodbye. Once you have children you will never eat it again. I have considered eating my Ben and Jerry's in my locked minivan in the garage with the lights out in order to salvage any of the ice cream. My children have no interest in eating until Mommy has some food, then suddenly they are STARVING! I told them I didn't want to share my spoon, they quickly went out and got their own spoons and now three spoons dug into the pint of Ben and Jerry's at once. It was a game of the Claw to see who could get the bigger prize, I so wanted to win.

3.I believe that my children should look nicely dressed when they go out into the public. This is not to say that they are not allowed to be children and damage things, things happen. It however, never fails that when I buy something that is particularly nice my children have a way of going above and beyond in the damaging of the item. I bought my daughter a dress that had a tutu with tulle on the bottom, she loved it, she loved it so much she ripped the tulle into a big HOLE!!! A big not fixable hole! I asked her what happened and she said, well, I was trying to climb on this chair and my leg got stuck in the dress part and it just ripped. Ahhhh....you will wear a paper bag from now on child!!

4.Another thing that children damage just as frequently is footwear, whether it is socks or shoes you might as well just strap 50 dollars to their feet and let them jump in puddles, because it is going to get ruined just like their shoes. I don't know how many times I have searched for a PAIR of shoes, how did I just buy these and there is no match. It is like the elves that make shoes are getting lazy and are just taking our shoes that we leave around and delivering those to homes. Well stop taking our wayward shoes, we need them and I don't have enough money to pay for all these shoes.

5.At night I have to take medication, because I suffer from migraine headaches so I have to take it daily, and I take it every night because it makes me sleepy. I always leave a cup by the sink so that I can take this medication, but since my children have to ruin everything that I own they thought it would be a GREAT idea to fill my cup with hand soap. So in the darkness, I filled my cup with water and took my medicine and washed it down with a whole mouthful of Trolls Mango Hand Soap. HOLY SHIZNAT!!!! This is why I no longer have a cup by the sink to take my medication and why my children have to only use the downstairs bathroom at ALL times. I secretly think my children are trying to kill me.

6.Now I know why my parents never wanted to buy us those cereals with the marshmallows in them, because we always just picked out the marshmallows. I never found the habit annoying until I had children and they did the SAME THING. "Mommy can I have the marshmallow cereal?" "Ok, sure make sure you eat all of it." "I will I promise!" 5 minutes later, a bowl of dry cereal without marshmallows. "You didn't eat the cereal pieces." "I am full!" No, you are full of broken promises and I am never going to buy that cereal again.

7.Tantrums are not something to mess around with people. We are not just dealing with kicking and screaming and crying, sometimes we are dealing with things being damaged and broken. Haphazardly of course in the act of toddler and preschooler distress, but either way, it is chaos. My 4 year old was once so frustrated trying to open a chocolate milk container that she threw it "grenade
style at our dining room wall. Well the "pin" went and BOOM, chocolate milk explosion all over our dining room. I actually have to give my husband and I so much credit as we sat in total silence at the complete mess that we now had to clean up. We handled it way better than I thought we would, nobody had smoke come out of their ears, or their head spin around. Instead we just quietly went and got the paper towels and said, "clean up your mess." It made me loathe white crown molding, but we made it through and it was a TANTRUM parenting victory.

8.One thing that I really want my girls to have is gratitude. We give them plenty and they certainly get to enjoy the things that I didn't always get, but I want to make sure that they are always grateful for what they have. The moment that they are not, you can believe that they will not be getting that "special" toy that they have just been dying to have. I will not raise my child to be a "snooty little brat", the moment I hear, detect, or see any brat about to appear I will start taking things away, even if they are the NICE things.

9.I sometimes wonder why I just don't hire a maid, and then I realize that I would be absolutely horrified to ask a stranger to come into my house and have to pick up the mess that will just be messy again by the end of the day. I mean how often can I clean a living room, well 20 times to be exact in an hour!!! My children have a way of finding empty Amazon boxes and just throwing toys in them and then all of a sudden when I think that things have been picked up I find this random box that is FILLED with toys or other items. One time my daughter had smuggled three cans of food into her room, apparently if we ever decided to not feed her, or there was a zombie apocalypse, she was going to be prepared. So I have now gotten to the point where I try to break down all the boxes as soon as possible. My guess is that they will soon start taping them back together to put their CRAP into!!

10. One day I know that I will have nice things and I will appreciate them. IT will probably not be in my "children" years, which means that it will probably be closer to retirement. My last pregnancy was called a GERIATRIC pregnancy, yes apparently when you have a child at 35 you are now an elderly pregnant person. So when I retire and my children have decided to leave my home and I can make my own space I hope that it really becomes something that I can be proud of. I also am sort of hoping that somewhere in the house I will find a hidden picture drawn on a wall, a squished hand print, or a scrawled name, because honestly those memories are truly the NICE things!

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