Friday, April 28, 2017

Honorable Mention Adulting

As I mention throughout my blog posts, I am not the blue ribbon winner in adulting, although some days I may pull through the day and take one for the team, but most days I am just a participation trophy adult. Here are the things that make being an adult complicated, and hard, and just plain ridiculous.

1.In order to function as an adult you will have to consume one of the following, caffeine in the form of coffee, tea, or soft drink or you will have to medicate yourself (JK). Some adults have the amazing ability to go without these options I have to use both because again, participation trophy adult. I prefer to medicate with Diet Coke or the occasional Large Dunkin Donuts black coffee. Yes black, don't worry it is flavored so I am not completely crazy, but these are my lifeline. IF I have not had these in the morning, NO TALKIE!! 

2.I am not a morning person, I function in the morning for two reasons, A. see #1 caffeine and B.my children will wake me up and I have one of those ADULT jobs. Yes the ones that require you to wake up in the morning and shower and be a person that functions in society. So because I have to do these things I wake up. I have a lovely relationship with my snooze button, where I hit it repeatedly and then it reminds me, NO, you must get out of bed and adult. I remind it, to SHUT THE HELL UP AND SNOOZE!!! So after 3 snoozes I drag myself out of bed and start functioning and by functioning I mean shuffling my feet in the general direction of my shower. I have often been so tired that I have body washed my hair, oh YEAH kids, look what you have to look forward to when you grow up!!

3.Driving is not the most awesome thing that adults get to do. As a teenager you cannot wait to get your license because it is a rite of passage and it means you get FREEDOM. As an adult it is just a panic attack or a headache waiting to happen. WHY?? Well, because people cannot drive, period, the end. It has gotten increasingly worse with the use of technology and the need for people to text and drive, FYI, don't read my blog while you are driving, but yes this makes life complicated for us SAFE drivers. Yield signs are basically, I don't give a HOOT signs because people never stop and just drive through them and then honk at the person who has the right of way. Thanks, buddy for reminding me that you are an AHOLE, with your horn. 

4.When you are an adult you have something called BILLS and they are not just a friendly guy that comes to meet you, it is a piece of paper with a monetary amount that must be collected. It seems like they NEVER end. You get charged for everything as an adult. I honestly don't know how I didn't know this as a kid. Although, as a kid, I did think that a checkbook was an endless amount of money, if you have checks you must have money. This is NOT TRUE!!! I also thought I could fly off my couch and plant quarters in my backyard to grow a money tree, also not productive. So when you get these bills, they come, and you think how is this even possible, did I even buy this, did I even see a podiatrist. What the??? So children prepare yourself because the bills come marching one by one hurrah hurrah and the little one doesn't stop to suck his thumb he just comes to knock on your door and remind you that the debt collector is going to take your house away if you don't pay him. 

5.When you are an adult you will have to do tasks that you NEVER want to do. When your parents did it for you, you just never thought about it. Oh, Dad is picking up that dead skunk with a shovel and moving it into the woods, good thing because it was gross. Well then you grow up and have to pick up the dead skunk with a shovel, and it is GROSS!!! You will FOREVER have to pick up all the gross things that your DAD picked up, thank goodness he only lives 30 minutes away, because I SWEAR to god if there is anything really gross there is NO WAY, I am picking it up with a shovel, or even a backhoe. NOPE, NADA, SORRY!!!

6.What will the neighbors think? When I was a kid, I used to dance out in the yard and yell and scream because we had a lot of property and the houses were not incredibly close to each other. I am sure with my loud mouth they could hear me from time to time when the wind was blowing just right, but most times it was fairly quiet. I now live in a neighborhood where we have houses on all sides of us, so if my child even says Hi, Mommy, the whole neighborhood knows what's up. So I am always worried about what the neighbors will think. We had decided that it would be a good idea to get a pool for the backyard not a nice one, but one of the cheaper ones, for the girls to play in, but I wanted to be sure I could use it with them too. So it was big enough for me, but all I could think, was WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBOR'S THINK??? Our ugly gross, WalMart pool, trashing up their neighborhood. Look at them in their bathing suits, swimming in their TRASH pool. I immediately thought we have to hide the pool. My husband thought this was ridiculous. I tried to choose a spot where it would be seen by the least amount of neighbors. Well I thought I had done a great job, UNTIL one day, I went to a local taco truck in the park owned by a neighbor that lives down the block from me. I said, "Hi, I live down the street from you." She was sweet and said, "Oh yeah, I think I recognize you, do you have the swing set and the pool in your yard." OH SHIT!! "Umm....yeah, we do." CRAP!! Now the neighbors down the road knew we had a crappy ass pool too. Well so much for my SECRET POOL!!!

7.Nothing gets you more motivated to be a successful adult then watching an episode of HOARDERS. I am telling you now if you want to get SHIT done, just watch an episode of that show and you will be so disgusted that you will steam clean your house. Every once an awhile when I am less motivated to clean my house, like every day, I decide to watch an episode of Hoarders and I immediately get into the cleaning mode. I get out the Magic Eraser and the vacuum and start to get things done. So I just want to give you this heads up that Hoarders is like a prescription for inept housecleaning. Watch it and you will clean your house.

8.The fact that people come home from work and do more work is so impressive. Someone once told me that he cannot sit down when he comes home from work because he has a button on his butt that shuts him off for the day and he will not move. I was like, I TOTALLY HAVE THIS BUTTON, IT IS STUCK!!! When I get home from work I don't think about making dinner, I mean I can't cook, so what am I going to think about, making cereal??? I don't think about doing chores. I don't think about anything accept, reading, sleeping, or not moving. LIKE, REMAINING FROZEN LIKE A STATUE!! If this was one of the possibilities that I could do without needing to get up for a bathroom break I would probably resort to it, often. Instead, I frantically run around my house picking up things that inevitably will end up back out on the floor again and do this over and over again. So if you are an adult that comes home and makes dinner, cleans the dishes, does a load of laundry, and makes dessert, then I LOVE YOU, you are my hero, and I will hire you to come and live in my house.

9.In my mind I have a perfect idea of what I should be doing as an adult, what type of house I should be living in, where I should be with my profession, how many activities my children should be involved in, how often I should balance "wife"ing vs. "mom"ing, but honestly is there a perfect equation to this? I would like to think that someone somewhere has it all figured out, like I am pretty sure Gisele Bundchen has her SHIT together, she just seems like she would be able to adult pretty well. Granted I don't know what she cooks every day or if she cooks every day and if she has a maid or whatever, but I give her a BLUE RIBBON, for ADULTING!! I aspire to be her, plus Tom Brady is not bad on the eyes!

10. At the end of the day I realize that I still have a lot of my life left to figure out how to be an adult. I know that it will be a long time before I have to send my own children off to adulthood and I hope in some ways they will be able to do an even better job than I was able to do. At least they have interest in cooking, thanks to their father and their desire to eat more than just cereal!! For now I will drink my Diet Coke and drag myself out for the day and carry my participation trophy around with me, because I made it into adulthood and that counts for something!

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