Monday, April 3, 2017

DeBarfing

Define DeBarfing: The act of debarfing is when said barfing of items has happened all over your house and you need to relinquish them immediately. For example: It look like Toys R' Us has barfed all over my living room this place needs a serious debarfing. Here are my ten steps for Debarfing your space.

1. Make sure your children are gone (preferably gone like at Grandma's house or at daycare, for they will not allow you to debarf your space) Remember that naked Barbie with no hair, a sharpie drawn smiley face tramp stamp, and a dog chewed leg, she will become your child's FAVORITE Barbie and will no longer be able to be removed. A successful debarfing of a space means remove your children immediately from said debarfing of their things.

2. Immediately confiscate all fast food toys because if you are anything like my family you will quickly accumulate all of them back within the next month, because this mommy can't cook.

3. Remove all "son o' bee yatch" foot trompers, these are legos, barbie shoes, game pieces, you know all those little pesky little pieces that get stuck in your bare feet and make you wish that you never had a child.

4. Search for all of the missing pieces that could possibly be hidden under furniture then realize you just threw out all the other missing pieces that you thought didn't have a match, CRAP, get those out to match them.

5.Send children back outside or back to Grandma's, confiscate, naked Barbie out of child's hand, tell them to stop digging in the trash, no they can't keep it even though it is there FAVORITE, not everything is their FAVORITE!!

6.Enlist the help of your spouse because at this point, your spouse hates all toys and perhaps all holidays that give out toys to your children. He will relinquish all things and start "debarfing" things like a champ.

7.Start taking things out of the bag that you think spouse has not considered for their true value, like that one gift that your Great Aunt got the girls that was really sweet and it may be missing an arm now, but it is the thought that counts, OH MY GOD I CAUGHT THE DISEASE!!! "DEBARF IMMEDIATELY"

8. Breathe, you are nearly finished with this painful work, three trash bags in two for Goodwill and one for the garbage.

9. Throw bags in back of van to transport to their final destinations, "Debarfing" is complete!

10. 3 months later, child in van playing with naked Barbie, that she dug out of trash bag meant to be taken to said destination for successful "debarfing." Mommy, I found my FAVORITE BARBIE!!!! GOD HELP ME!!!!

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