Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Animals who Deserve a Punching

Note: I am a member of PETA and I typically do not display such angry posts, however I do have some disgust towards certain animal kingdom members. To each their own on the animal thing, but some animals deserve a good punch in the face when they are just being difficult (punch in the face is obviously, tongue and cheek and not fist to face).

1. Groundhogs are ridiculous. They are a rodent that gets a holiday, are you kidding me? Then to top it all off if they see their shadow and they somehow predict the weather. This year the winter is absolutely horrible, it is April and we still have snow falling from the sky. Punch him right in the face!

2.I have a HUGE phobia of birds. I am not entirely sure where it all started, however I have my sneaky suspicions. When I was a child my mother worked at a bank where in the front entrance they had an entire peacock taxidermied in the lobby. Now my bank just has FREAKING lollipops, but nope this one had a huge beady eyed, spear faced, peck your eyes out when you look the other way, peacock, just sitting there. I got dropped off by the bus everyday from school to sit in the lobby until my mom left work and guess who was my babysitter, you guessed it Mr. PEACOCK!!! So yes birds punch them all, right in their beak faces.

My babysitter was without the hat and suit pictured above, honestly I don't think he was even interviewed for the job, but the beady eyes and spear face are spot on.

3. We had a HUGE snake in our state! Let me remind you that I live in a cold weather state, a state where you go outside and the cold slaps you in the face and your face hurts and you regret living here. So why is a HUGE snake living in my state? Well some person probably thought it would be a great pet and then realized, oh my small snake is now a BIG FREAKING SNAKE and I better release it into the wild because clearly that would be a great idea. So this became the Loch Ness monster, elusive but leaving behind clues so as not to be forgotten. People saw it eat huge mammals whole and then when it had been all but forgotten it was like, "NO you don't people, I just ate the Duggar Family and look at this, beeyatches, and it grew out of its body and left its skin to scare the living "shiznat" out of everyone. So Big SNAKES, like WESSIE, I punch you in the face!! My guess is the groundhog's winter however killed you so take that!!
This was the giant snake skin that was left from "Wessie" the elusive HUGE snake that may or may not have eaten some of the Duggar Family, I haven't counted them up in awhile. They sent this to a scientist and guess what it was an ANACONDA!!! 

4.So there is this thing where animals get famous on the internet and it is REALLY annoying and the most annoying one currently is April the Giraffe, who apparently has been pregnant for god knows how long. Is she actually going to have a baby or is this just some elaborate hoax where she has just stuffed herself or has a huge giraffe FART she just has to let out because she ate too much! Ugh, someone get that girl a c-section before I have to punch her cute face. Honestly, I love April and I watch her video feed and maybe that is why I am so annoyed by her. Why am I wasting my time for hours watching you pace around and do nothing? Why, because baby giraffes just seem like the cutest thing ever!

5.Ever since there was a certain Department of Education nominee I have been very disgusted with bears. Namely bears that require guns to be in schools so that we can protect ourselves against said bears. I am all for the right to bear arms, but the right to bear arms against bears is just too much!!

6.If you have never had the privilege of seeing a creature with a naked tail than consider yourself very lucky. They are foul and there is nothing appealing about a tail that is naked. Cover that thing up, have your possum mommy or rat mommy make you a tail sweater. First off you are going to get frostbite or something and secondly your tail is gross!

7.Jurassic Park terrified me and the fact that anyone thinks it is a good idea to make dinosaurs roam the Earth again, well since dinosaurs are extinct I am just going to punch you right in the face! That is just plain ol' wrong. They will bite YOUR FACE OFF!!

8.Now just to show that I am truly a member of PETA anyone who decides that fur belongs off the animal and on them I think we know where they should be, right on this list. I mean this is probably why we have all of those naked tails. It is quite amusing to think of all those high class people wearing butts by their faces though, kind of better payback!

9.Ants seem harmless but then you have children who leave crumbs behind and the ants are your worst enemy. They call all their ant friends and say party at their house, they have young children that just toss goldfish crackers, get this, ON THE FLOOR!! Oh yeah, ants get a good punching and good news is I can usually get about four or five with one good punch.

10. When all is said and done there is nothing more majestic than a deer that is standing in a field of mist with its fawn or the cuteness of a mama duck with her ducklings following close behind. The animal world has some truly unique creatures that make our lives so much more interesting. Sometimes I question Noah however and his rationale, I mean seriously a BLOBFISH!! 

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