Monday, April 3, 2017

30 Seconds or Less

I am a HORRIBLE cook, you could say that I dabble in the art of trying to give my family horrible illnesses like salmonella, E. Coli, and other foodborne type diseases. My list of foodie NIGHTMARES!!

1. I have a HUGE fear of getting sick from food, so bad that when things are recalled I can no longer eat them. So FDA get on things like recalling ice cream, chocolate, and things that make my scale and my mouth argue with each other.

2.When you say how bad could she possibly be at cooking things, my husband once found a frozen pizza I had cooked for the family one night in the oven with the cardboard still stuck to the bottom. Yes that is how bad I am, or how lazy I am, or how bad I am at reading directions, anyways I stink at something in this sentence.

3.My daughter does say I make a really good Happy Meal, which I am so psyched that she actually thinks that I make. At the tender age of 4 she still has hope that I am working away in my little toy shop crafting things for the Happy Meal boxes and making her McNuggets and fries.

4.The crockpot is my only way of cooking a meal that hasn't technically taken out my family. This is because I am convinced that it is in fact a witch's cauldron. How in the hell, do you just throw a bunch of random crap in a bowl, leave it in there for like 7 seven hours, and you have a meal? SEVEN freaking hours!!! It didn't even take me seven hours to deliver my children, how can anything taste that good after seven hours in a bowl? So I am claiming Hogwarts on that!

5.I don't like to touch meat with my bare hands because I could catch a disease, like my face could freeze into a position, not like I paid for this face type of look either, more like the guy from Goonies:
HEY YOU GUYS!!!!
So yes back to the crux of the matter since I don't touch meat when I am forced to cook, I have to put ziploc bags on my hands when I cut meat. My 4 year old thinks this is now a Kitchen thing that you have to do and tells me to put bags on her hands. Oh CRAP!! Well we have good insurance for those sorts of therapies later. 

6.I cannot make food for other people, EVER!!! So if you are having a bake sale, I will bring my pocketbook and buy the place out, but I will never bake a tray of anything. I once baked a tray of brownies for an event and I was so convinced that I was going to make everyone sick that I threw the entire tray away and went to the store and bought Little Debbie Snacks. 

7.5 second rule, DOES NOT APPLY, if it hits the floor and you don't throw it out then you are a GD fool. I once had a person not only eat an M+M that hit my foot, but lick it in front of me just to prove a point. I hope he now looks like the Goonies guy, just saying!!

8.There are some words that should not be uttered when it comes to food, like BOLOGNA, that word is toxic. Honestly, anything that is made with just the combination of what is left of meat, and you just threw a bunch of freaking letters together and said, "oh the letters are silent." Yes so are your tears as you die from eating so much BOLOGNA!!!

9.Cereal is a dinner husband!!! Just because you don't like it doesn't mean that the kids and I don't enjoy it. 

10.So there you have it I am a bad cook and I don't think anyone could save me, not Rachel Ray, not Bobby Flay, not whatever that guy with the spiky hair and loud voice is called. No one is going to save this girl at all. If it can be microwaved, delivered, or picked up in the drive thru, then DINNER IS DONE!!!

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