Friday, April 28, 2017

Honorable Mention Adulting

As I mention throughout my blog posts, I am not the blue ribbon winner in adulting, although some days I may pull through the day and take one for the team, but most days I am just a participation trophy adult. Here are the things that make being an adult complicated, and hard, and just plain ridiculous.

1.In order to function as an adult you will have to consume one of the following, caffeine in the form of coffee, tea, or soft drink or you will have to medicate yourself (JK). Some adults have the amazing ability to go without these options I have to use both because again, participation trophy adult. I prefer to medicate with Diet Coke or the occasional Large Dunkin Donuts black coffee. Yes black, don't worry it is flavored so I am not completely crazy, but these are my lifeline. IF I have not had these in the morning, NO TALKIE!! 

2.I am not a morning person, I function in the morning for two reasons, A. see #1 caffeine and children will wake me up and I have one of those ADULT jobs. Yes the ones that require you to wake up in the morning and shower and be a person that functions in society. So because I have to do these things I wake up. I have a lovely relationship with my snooze button, where I hit it repeatedly and then it reminds me, NO, you must get out of bed and adult. I remind it, to SHUT THE HELL UP AND SNOOZE!!! So after 3 snoozes I drag myself out of bed and start functioning and by functioning I mean shuffling my feet in the general direction of my shower. I have often been so tired that I have body washed my hair, oh YEAH kids, look what you have to look forward to when you grow up!!

3.Driving is not the most awesome thing that adults get to do. As a teenager you cannot wait to get your license because it is a rite of passage and it means you get FREEDOM. As an adult it is just a panic attack or a headache waiting to happen. WHY?? Well, because people cannot drive, period, the end. It has gotten increasingly worse with the use of technology and the need for people to text and drive, FYI, don't read my blog while you are driving, but yes this makes life complicated for us SAFE drivers. Yield signs are basically, I don't give a HOOT signs because people never stop and just drive through them and then honk at the person who has the right of way. Thanks, buddy for reminding me that you are an AHOLE, with your horn. 

4.When you are an adult you have something called BILLS and they are not just a friendly guy that comes to meet you, it is a piece of paper with a monetary amount that must be collected. It seems like they NEVER end. You get charged for everything as an adult. I honestly don't know how I didn't know this as a kid. Although, as a kid, I did think that a checkbook was an endless amount of money, if you have checks you must have money. This is NOT TRUE!!! I also thought I could fly off my couch and plant quarters in my backyard to grow a money tree, also not productive. So when you get these bills, they come, and you think how is this even possible, did I even buy this, did I even see a podiatrist. What the??? So children prepare yourself because the bills come marching one by one hurrah hurrah and the little one doesn't stop to suck his thumb he just comes to knock on your door and remind you that the debt collector is going to take your house away if you don't pay him. 

5.When you are an adult you will have to do tasks that you NEVER want to do. When your parents did it for you, you just never thought about it. Oh, Dad is picking up that dead skunk with a shovel and moving it into the woods, good thing because it was gross. Well then you grow up and have to pick up the dead skunk with a shovel, and it is GROSS!!! You will FOREVER have to pick up all the gross things that your DAD picked up, thank goodness he only lives 30 minutes away, because I SWEAR to god if there is anything really gross there is NO WAY, I am picking it up with a shovel, or even a backhoe. NOPE, NADA, SORRY!!!

6.What will the neighbors think? When I was a kid, I used to dance out in the yard and yell and scream because we had a lot of property and the houses were not incredibly close to each other. I am sure with my loud mouth they could hear me from time to time when the wind was blowing just right, but most times it was fairly quiet. I now live in a neighborhood where we have houses on all sides of us, so if my child even says Hi, Mommy, the whole neighborhood knows what's up. So I am always worried about what the neighbors will think. We had decided that it would be a good idea to get a pool for the backyard not a nice one, but one of the cheaper ones, for the girls to play in, but I wanted to be sure I could use it with them too. So it was big enough for me, but all I could think, was WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBOR'S THINK??? Our ugly gross, WalMart pool, trashing up their neighborhood. Look at them in their bathing suits, swimming in their TRASH pool. I immediately thought we have to hide the pool. My husband thought this was ridiculous. I tried to choose a spot where it would be seen by the least amount of neighbors. Well I thought I had done a great job, UNTIL one day, I went to a local taco truck in the park owned by a neighbor that lives down the block from me. I said, "Hi, I live down the street from you." She was sweet and said, "Oh yeah, I think I recognize you, do you have the swing set and the pool in your yard." OH SHIT!! "Umm....yeah, we do." CRAP!! Now the neighbors down the road knew we had a crappy ass pool too. Well so much for my SECRET POOL!!!

7.Nothing gets you more motivated to be a successful adult then watching an episode of HOARDERS. I am telling you now if you want to get SHIT done, just watch an episode of that show and you will be so disgusted that you will steam clean your house. Every once an awhile when I am less motivated to clean my house, like every day, I decide to watch an episode of Hoarders and I immediately get into the cleaning mode. I get out the Magic Eraser and the vacuum and start to get things done. So I just want to give you this heads up that Hoarders is like a prescription for inept housecleaning. Watch it and you will clean your house.

8.The fact that people come home from work and do more work is so impressive. Someone once told me that he cannot sit down when he comes home from work because he has a button on his butt that shuts him off for the day and he will not move. I was like, I TOTALLY HAVE THIS BUTTON, IT IS STUCK!!! When I get home from work I don't think about making dinner, I mean I can't cook, so what am I going to think about, making cereal??? I don't think about doing chores. I don't think about anything accept, reading, sleeping, or not moving. LIKE, REMAINING FROZEN LIKE A STATUE!! If this was one of the possibilities that I could do without needing to get up for a bathroom break I would probably resort to it, often. Instead, I frantically run around my house picking up things that inevitably will end up back out on the floor again and do this over and over again. So if you are an adult that comes home and makes dinner, cleans the dishes, does a load of laundry, and makes dessert, then I LOVE YOU, you are my hero, and I will hire you to come and live in my house.

9.In my mind I have a perfect idea of what I should be doing as an adult, what type of house I should be living in, where I should be with my profession, how many activities my children should be involved in, how often I should balance "wife"ing vs. "mom"ing, but honestly is there a perfect equation to this? I would like to think that someone somewhere has it all figured out, like I am pretty sure Gisele Bundchen has her SHIT together, she just seems like she would be able to adult pretty well. Granted I don't know what she cooks every day or if she cooks every day and if she has a maid or whatever, but I give her a BLUE RIBBON, for ADULTING!! I aspire to be her, plus Tom Brady is not bad on the eyes!

10. At the end of the day I realize that I still have a lot of my life left to figure out how to be an adult. I know that it will be a long time before I have to send my own children off to adulthood and I hope in some ways they will be able to do an even better job than I was able to do. At least they have interest in cooking, thanks to their father and their desire to eat more than just cereal!! For now I will drink my Diet Coke and drag myself out for the day and carry my participation trophy around with me, because I made it into adulthood and that counts for something!

Sunday, April 23, 2017

I Can't Have Nice Things

When you decide to have children you also decide to birth "little destroyers of everything." You will never have anything nice again. So stop buying your nice pottery barn things and NEVER watch HGTV and think WOW I wish I could redo my house to look like that. NO, NEVER, EVER think about that, because as soon as you do it, a big RED crayon will destroy it ALL!!! You have been warned.

1.My children are experts at destroying the mundane things in my house that I don't think that I really care about until they are broken. "Honey, have you seen my camera charger?" "Why the H, does it have bubble gum on it?" children.....and your need to not keep things in your mouth. Why do you have to take the bubble gum out of your mouth and stick it on my things. Go put it on your own things.

2.If you ever have a favorite food kiss it goodbye. Once you have children you will never eat it again. I have considered eating my Ben and Jerry's in my locked minivan in the garage with the lights out in order to salvage any of the ice cream. My children have no interest in eating until Mommy has some food, then suddenly they are STARVING! I told them I didn't want to share my spoon, they quickly went out and got their own spoons and now three spoons dug into the pint of Ben and Jerry's at once. It was a game of the Claw to see who could get the bigger prize, I so wanted to win.

3.I believe that my children should look nicely dressed when they go out into the public. This is not to say that they are not allowed to be children and damage things, things happen. It however, never fails that when I buy something that is particularly nice my children have a way of going above and beyond in the damaging of the item. I bought my daughter a dress that had a tutu with tulle on the bottom, she loved it, she loved it so much she ripped the tulle into a big HOLE!!! A big not fixable hole! I asked her what happened and she said, well, I was trying to climb on this chair and my leg got stuck in the dress part and it just ripped. will wear a paper bag from now on child!!

4.Another thing that children damage just as frequently is footwear, whether it is socks or shoes you might as well just strap 50 dollars to their feet and let them jump in puddles, because it is going to get ruined just like their shoes. I don't know how many times I have searched for a PAIR of shoes, how did I just buy these and there is no match. It is like the elves that make shoes are getting lazy and are just taking our shoes that we leave around and delivering those to homes. Well stop taking our wayward shoes, we need them and I don't have enough money to pay for all these shoes.

5.At night I have to take medication, because I suffer from migraine headaches so I have to take it daily, and I take it every night because it makes me sleepy. I always leave a cup by the sink so that I can take this medication, but since my children have to ruin everything that I own they thought it would be a GREAT idea to fill my cup with hand soap. So in the darkness, I filled my cup with water and took my medicine and washed it down with a whole mouthful of Trolls Mango Hand Soap. HOLY SHIZNAT!!!! This is why I no longer have a cup by the sink to take my medication and why my children have to only use the downstairs bathroom at ALL times. I secretly think my children are trying to kill me.

6.Now I know why my parents never wanted to buy us those cereals with the marshmallows in them, because we always just picked out the marshmallows. I never found the habit annoying until I had children and they did the SAME THING. "Mommy can I have the marshmallow cereal?" "Ok, sure make sure you eat all of it." "I will I promise!" 5 minutes later, a bowl of dry cereal without marshmallows. "You didn't eat the cereal pieces." "I am full!" No, you are full of broken promises and I am never going to buy that cereal again.

7.Tantrums are not something to mess around with people. We are not just dealing with kicking and screaming and crying, sometimes we are dealing with things being damaged and broken. Haphazardly of course in the act of toddler and preschooler distress, but either way, it is chaos. My 4 year old was once so frustrated trying to open a chocolate milk container that she threw it "grenade
style at our dining room wall. Well the "pin" went and BOOM, chocolate milk explosion all over our dining room. I actually have to give my husband and I so much credit as we sat in total silence at the complete mess that we now had to clean up. We handled it way better than I thought we would, nobody had smoke come out of their ears, or their head spin around. Instead we just quietly went and got the paper towels and said, "clean up your mess." It made me loathe white crown molding, but we made it through and it was a TANTRUM parenting victory.

8.One thing that I really want my girls to have is gratitude. We give them plenty and they certainly get to enjoy the things that I didn't always get, but I want to make sure that they are always grateful for what they have. The moment that they are not, you can believe that they will not be getting that "special" toy that they have just been dying to have. I will not raise my child to be a "snooty little brat", the moment I hear, detect, or see any brat about to appear I will start taking things away, even if they are the NICE things.

9.I sometimes wonder why I just don't hire a maid, and then I realize that I would be absolutely horrified to ask a stranger to come into my house and have to pick up the mess that will just be messy again by the end of the day. I mean how often can I clean a living room, well 20 times to be exact in an hour!!! My children have a way of finding empty Amazon boxes and just throwing toys in them and then all of a sudden when I think that things have been picked up I find this random box that is FILLED with toys or other items. One time my daughter had smuggled three cans of food into her room, apparently if we ever decided to not feed her, or there was a zombie apocalypse, she was going to be prepared. So I have now gotten to the point where I try to break down all the boxes as soon as possible. My guess is that they will soon start taping them back together to put their CRAP into!!

10. One day I know that I will have nice things and I will appreciate them. IT will probably not be in my "children" years, which means that it will probably be closer to retirement. My last pregnancy was called a GERIATRIC pregnancy, yes apparently when you have a child at 35 you are now an elderly pregnant person. So when I retire and my children have decided to leave my home and I can make my own space I hope that it really becomes something that I can be proud of. I also am sort of hoping that somewhere in the house I will find a hidden picture drawn on a wall, a squished hand print, or a scrawled name, because honestly those memories are truly the NICE things!

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Extrovertly Introverted

Most people see me as an extrovert, the one that is the loud, boisterous, first one to break the ice, funny girl, when actually I am a closet Introvert. There is nothing I want more than to hide in the confines of my home and never come out. It is actually a really hard chore to get myself to go out into the outside. So when people describe me as an extrovert I am always so proud of my "fake out"! I have learned a lot about my extrovertly introverted ways and what exactly makes me who I am!

1.There is nothing I despise more than the idea of going somewhere that I have never been before. So the idea of house shopping was not something that I found pleasant and was in fact downright terrified. I had to really psych myself up before I was about to walk into someone else's space and decide if it could become my space. I don't know what I was afraid of walking into, I mean I had seen pictures I clearly was not walking into an A&E Hoarder's house, but I felt violated for the people. I have to open your closet, sorry! I have to walk into your bathroom, sorry! Oh, you sleep here, oh good god you probably did, OH SORRY, SORRY, SO SORRY!!!

2. I went to the OB today which is a yearly test of my introvert. First I have to psych myself up because the idea of having to do all of that sort of checking is not something I am going to enjoy and the fact that someone has to witness it, well I am sorry! I heard that OB's get paid really well, honestly they must because I just couldn't do that. I mean all day every day just looking down there. I mean your nose must just close off or you must learn how to mouth breathe or something.

3.So speaking of the OB you think by now they would invent something beyond tissue paper that your naked butt has to sit on while you anxiously wait for the doctor. Anxiety and me=sweating to the paper and "stickage". I literally have ripped the paper and had to peel it away from me to get the exam, talk about embarrassing. The OB always try to smooth it over, "that happens all the time." Oh really it happens all the time, well why don't we go and fix that then and not have tissue paper as an option? Just saying!

4. People always think that I am an extrovert because I talk and I talk A LOT!!! I never SHUT UP!!! Perhaps that is why I like to blog because it is basically silent talking in my head. Kind of the best job for an introvert, stay inside, talk to yourself, and reach out to people you don't know. Win Win!! Anyhoo, back to the talking, so people think I am very outgoing because I always break the ice, but this is merely because I can't stand the awkward silence. I have gone to places where I have broken the ice with the most random things just to kill the silence. "Wow that April the giraffe must have a sore vagina now, do you think they give her some ice." "WHAT??? Did you just say, in the public??" Yes, I have often regretted the words that have spilled out my mouth, but it is because other people need to learn how to talk, so it isn't all my fault.

5.I absolutely cannot lie, not even a little white lie. So if my children ask if there is candy left. I say, "not for right now." Yes it is a horrible weakness and maybe a generous gift. I think my parents put a voodoo hex on me as a child where I could not tell a lie, or perhaps I watched Pinocchio too much and feared my nose may grow or I would turn into a donkey. Needless, to say I have to tell the truth, plus if I even try to lie I give it away, my cheeks burn fire red and I start sweating. A polygraph guy could just look at me and say, "yup she can't lie."

6.I am secretly jealous of friends that get together and do things on the regular. Mostly because I don't do that and it makes me feel as though my friends are more like acquaintances. It also makes me feel like my outgoing self really is a mask that I wear because when I am away from my friends I don't really make the effort. I am impressed with people who say they are my friend, I do a double take, you are my WHAT??? Oh, well thanks, I appreciate that!!!

7.I could probably be a professional sleeper, as a full time job. Just pay me to be Rip Van Winkle, and my family could live off my sleepings and I would be such a hero. I heard one time that NASA was looking for people to stay in bed for three months for a study and I thought that is a job I would be willing to apply for, but then I thought about needing to go to the bathroom, that would not be very fun at all.

8. I will quietly surround myself with books and make a little book fort and celebrate in the quietness of it. A recent study discovered that the majority of women choose reading a book as their way to relax. I agree with this notion as the act of peace and quiet is rarely something that we can just get. The things I was told to do as a young child are now the things I long to do as an adult, take a nap, eat a snack, sit quietly, go to your room.....when will my children start reprimanding me?

9. The difficulty with being an introvert that poses as an extrovert is that you are anxious about everything and everyone just thinks that you are not. So I love to perform in community theater, but the whole process of performing just scares me to death. One time an actor told me, "just before you go on stage push your palms against a wall and take a deep breath that will calm your nerves." Well imagine my surprise when I did just this on a stage wall that then started to crash down in front of me. As I caught it and wrestled it back into position, I thought that didn't make me feel less anxious at all, LIES!!!

10. Some people say I am blunt, others say I am good at poking fun at myself, others say I am extroverted, and some say I am just me, but no matter what, I am something that is for sure. It is hard work when you "perform" all day and on the inside you really want to be a snail and crawl into your shell and be all cozy and quiet. Some of me feels all good about the fact that people think that I have my enthusiastic, outgoing personality and then sometimes I feel sad that when I am not like that people realize that the real me has come out, and real me is kind of BORING!!! Oh well, cheers to BORING!

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Nobel Mommy Prize

Mom's deserve A LOT of credit and I mean A LOT!! We are a pretty amazing lot, I mean I rank probably in the participation category, like I got to join in because I had children, but some Moms are just stellar. Talking, PINTEREST MOM!!! Yeah, you know who you are!! Staying up until 3 am to make that costume for the school play, yay for you, OSCAR WORTHY PERFORMANCE!!! Honestly though being a mom can be tough so if you can make it through any of these things that I consider to be mommy challenges you should get a NOBEL PRIZE!!

1.Do you shower everyday? If so you deserve a Nobel Prize! I used to shower 3 times a day when I was in college and now I am lucky if I can get 3 minutes of shower time every 3 days. It is so bad that when I finally get in the shower, I feel like I have entered a spa and I am rewarding myself. Yes I am rewarding myself with daily hygiene. So if you are a mom who gets to shower on the daily, kudos to you! I think you are the most amazing mom to walk the face of the Earth!

2.Speaking of bathrooms, if you ever get to shower the other thing you will never be able to do is go to the bathroom alone ever again. I have had to go to the bathroom with both of my children sitting on my lap before, just because they wanted to sit with me. When I asked my husband to come get them, he said, "What, they are fine!" No, thank you very much, this is not fine, I don't want lap sitters while I am trying to go to the bathroom. Suddenly I have become Santa and everyone needs to tell me their thoughts, hopes, and dreams while I sit and try to go #2. So invest in locks or an electric fence, whatever you need to keep them away from that general vicinity.

3.This is how desperate my children are to get to me at all costs. My oldest child figured out at age 3 how to pick locks. She was like toddler McGyver! She would search around her room for something to use and pick her lock to get out of her room so she could sleep with us at night. Suddenly this also became useful if we locked the bathroom door for privacy and then she would pick that lock. So not to be outdone, my 2 year old has now learned the business of lock picking. The other day I saw her use an old credit card to try and bust the door open on my husband, while he was in the bathroom. This is madness and I am not safe with these children!!

4.I have an idea that socks when you throw them into the dryer turn into additional dryer sheets, because when I take out a load of laundry I always have a lot of missing socks and a whole SHIT TON of dryer sheets, when I clearly only threw in one. How is this even possible? Chores should not be this complicated and matching socks should not be a game that has to be played EVERY WEEK!!

5.Child safety anything is just a lie!!! If you have a McGyver child like my lock picker you are just in for it. We did all the things that we were supposed to with the cupboard clips, and the doorknob handle covers, and my 4 YO can crack those things like a safe. I can't even figure them out half the time, but she is into everything in like two minutes flat. I really hope this leads to some lucrative job for her because she is like Houdini!

6.Dead silence is the worst when you are a parent. You would think in your mind that silence is the best, but it is not, it is the worst. Silence is when the trouble has begun. Silence in my household means that the children have found something they are not supposed to have and are decorating themselves or my house with it. One day my oldest daughter got into Daddy's cologne during the "silence", she smelled so bad she had to shower because she practically bathed herself in it. Then on another day she decided the bathroom smelled gross so she sprayed my straightening spray all over the tile floor, well it turned it into a GD skating rink!! I will admit, it did smell nice though! If by chance you hear silence and the dreaded, "NO don't tell Mommy or Daddy, then you know you are in for it. This was what we heard the day that my 4 year old decided to color my 2 year old from head to toe with markers. So silence is not GOLDEN and if you don't hear anything RUN and find your children they are destroying themselves or something.

7.I really appreciate the mom who looks put together, she did her hair, put on her makeup, and made a general effort to get dressed and be presentable. I am at the mom stage where I have a bare face, ponytail, leggings and a baggy shirt. This girl is just getting by!!! Now fortunately it hasn't gotten to the point where my husband has said, "you are going out in that?", but I do foresee that at some point. There is just no point in getting all done up when you are just going to get SNOT all over your shoulder, or food crumbs, or some other mystery substance of the day plopped on you. So you moms that get yourself together you are truly my inspiration! I envy you!

8.I don't have a lot of close friends, since I have lived all over the place I have more acquaintances. By this I mean I have like 500 Facebook friends that I briefly talk to here and there, wish them a Happy Birthday, and like the pictures of their cats and kids. Moms that go on shopping trips with friends, vacations with friends, trips with just their husband, moms who have friends period, that is just AMAZING!! I have always been in awe of moms who have a bestie and they do everything together. "Oh, yeah Susie is with her babysitter because my friend and I are going to the Bahamas!!" What??? Why is Susie with the babysitter, don't you have a husband? So moms that have a life outside of "MOMMING" you ROCK!!

9.I think that I need a hobby, do moms have hobbies where they do something other then the mom thing. I watch a lot of reality tv and this one show I watched the moms went and did a Tequila tasting, who would ever think that as a thing? I am even impressed that people come up with this stuff. I haven't had a drink in so long, one taste of tequila would have me tasting the floor. Give me some help readers of my blog, what hobbies could I do to make me a mom that isn't just doing the Mommy thing. My interests include, reading, reading, reading, staying in my house, and reading!!! Good LORD I am a FREAKING book club recluse.

10.I want to say that I am really impressed with the Moms that are out there today doing there thing. You are showered, probably dressed to the nines, with your makeup and hair done up. You just pinned the next ten DIY projects you are going to do with your kids and you are planning your child's 3rd birthday party and they just turned 1. Yup, I LIKE YOU MOM!!! Please accept your NOBEL MOMMY PRIZE!!!

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Follow List Mommy on Facebook

Things just got SUPER CEREAL!! So I started a Facebook page so that I can see where everyone is from and we can talk about serious things like how to clean out those stupid sippy cups that are gross! So if you want to join me on Facebook and you know you do because everyone LOVES Facebook you can join here!!

Come and Join us for some Honorable Mention Adulting!

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

You are KIDDING me!!

I have always been convinced that the best way to parent is to pull one over on your children. I mean if I can negotiate with them in the moment to avoid the inevitable meltdown I will do it. In the future, we can just say, "Oh remember when Mommy used to tell you that....well that was a DOWNRIGHT LIE....HA HA HA!!! Hey some mom's have there things.

1.So I once heard someone say, " I told my children when the music plays on the ice cream truck it is out of ice cream." Well that is absolutely genius! My children never ask me for money. My 4 year old hears the music as it rounds the corner and says, "Mom, it's out of ice cream again." "Oh, I am so sorry honey, that you can't buy that $4.00 Spongebob ice cream pop that you will just eat the gumball eyeballs out of and then melt all over my house." I want to kiss the person who devised this brilliant trickery and hope that my oldest doesn't start to figure it all out!

2.My husband bought me this adorable piggy bank where the panda bear pokes his head out and drags the coin in. It took forever to arrive because it was shipped from China, but it was worth every cent. My children became so obsessed with the thing that they started to go scrounging around the house for coins. I was beginning to think that I had found a small business for myself. I had to lay down the law when they were willing to bust into their own piggy banks to continue to make the thing work, I am not that greedy! That piggy bank is a secret gold mine though!

3.I am what you would call an Honorable Mention kind of adult. I am just OKAY at being a wife, I am the World's OKAYEST Mom, and I probably get a capital F in housework. So when I had children and they offered to do chores I thought, well YAY for me!!! Then I realized why the Duggar's have 19 children, they basically had the whole Downtown Abbey staff ready and waiting for them to cook, clean, and take care of the other children. I used to think they were crazy, now maybe they were secretly brilliant. Anyway, my children were excited to do things that I didn't consider exciting like wash my fridge doors, this is a job that typically I wouldn't even consider doing, until a MAJOR holiday, but my 4 year old would have done it every weekend, just to be helpful. Well gosh darn, you little helpful bugger, you are hired. So yes my children are awesome and I love that they like to do things around the house, because dishes are not my thing!

4. The oldest child is so PICKY when it comes to eating. She can't eat anything unless it is a chicken nugget or candy. So we have gotten to the point where we lie and when she asks what it tastes like we say "candy". What is that? That is meat candy! Yum I love it! Of course you do, eat your meat candy!

5.Sometimes I just don't have the heart to go anywhere out of my house, it can be a physical challenge for me to remove myself from the wonderful confines of my safe home. Also if by chance I end up having to go somewhere unknown it is a whole different story, because this could end up with me becoming completely lost with my children. This is a terrible situation for everyone. So to save the heartache of everyone being miserable the place is just closed, until Daddy can take us.

6.Yes should probably not ever be uttered from a parent's mouth unless they are ready to do something immediately. Mommy can I invite my friend over? "Yes that is fine!" Oh SHIT!!! I said it, and quickly realize that now I am in BIG trouble. Now, can they come over right now? NO! In five minutes? No! In an hour? NO! TONIGHT! NO! NO! NO! In fact they can't ever come over, I forgot your father has to make these decisions. Just a word of warning never utter Yes and more than likely you should also stay away from maybe, as that is just a Yes in disguise.

7.When you have young children date night or afternoon is a nap at the park and ride. Honestly, my husband and I have considered going into one of those Escape Rooms and not trying to escape. Nope, we realize our time is up and we didn't get out, we were napping. Sorry is our time up, can we pay you for another hour?

8.My children would proudly run around naked if I allowed them to. They enjoy the freedom of their nakedness and wouldn't hesitate to parade around the house without clothing unless I tell them otherwise. I have often told them, "put your undies on someone is at the door." This gets them dressed and then they run down to see who was there. Who was it? Oh, just someone I didn't know!

9.Remember your children will always promise you that they will behave when presented with a situation that they want to do. Do you promise to be on your best behavior? Yes, we will, I promise, Sissy do you promise, ok she promises too! Don't be fooled by these lies! It is never a promise that they can keep. They can keep this promise for about five minutes and then it becomes complete chaos and everyone at the restaurant hates you! They give you the death glare and wish you had found a babysitter, and how dare you bring your children out who blatantly lied to you, with their filthy promises? They are catching on to this scheme way earlier than I ever imagined.

10. No matter what it takes you know that it is always for the best. Sometimes the toy your child wants is just not that good or too expensive, oops mommy doesn't have any cash and you can only buy this with cash. Whatever it takes remember it is for your own sanity and also your children will one day forgive you because they will do it one day as well to you, when they are sneaking in at some late hour!

Sunday, April 9, 2017

We WON'T Negotiate with TODDLERISTS!

Our toddler is as she states, "aweso" (awesome)! We love her to death and we think that she will grow up to be the least likely to drive us crazy. I hold out hope that she will be the one who will care for me when I am old and gray, because she loves me that much. However in the mean time she turned 2 and everything became horrible.

1.Everything she wants, she immediately doesn't want. "Mommy, milk please!" I stupidly go and get the milk like a trained monkey only to have her sprawl out on the floor and yell, "NO MILK, NO MILK!" Good Lord, what on earth just happened. We just went from milk please, to the demonic possession of a child screaming NO!!!! So back to the fridge goes the milk, "NO MOMMY, MILK PLEASE!!!" Are you kidding me??? When do you get efficient enough to get your own things?

2.My toddler has a sleeping threshold where when she is tired she goes from completely fine to overtired in 2 seconds. One minute we are reading a bedtime story and next thing we know it is Death CON, every man for himself, as she is screeching at us, SLEEP, SLEEP!! Ok, I get it close your eyes, I am not holding you against your will. You are a child with hardly any responsibilities, you get the pleasure of enjoying a nap, which often times you refuse. Mommy would love to have a NAP!! So just close those eyes and relax.

3.My oldest child had a pacifier way too long and by way too long, people were giving us wayward stares at Disney as my four year old screamed for her WUBBY!! OH yeah, she was attached! Fortunately, just before PreK started we magically got that thing out of her face and got rid of all of them. My youngest never took to a pacifier and I was secretly happy because having your four year old walk around with one I didn't want to go through that again. Then she started to come up with her own self-soothing behaviors, which are TERRIBLE!! At first it was rubbing the thumbnail of whoever she was rocking with. I couldn't stand it, it was like nails on a chalkboard, my husband had to rock her every night because it DROVE ME CRAZY! She finally got over that one, but now has acquired a new request that might just propel me back to the thumbnail rubbing, TICKLE my feet. WHAT??? Yes, she sticks out her foot from the covers as she is starting to get tired and says, "Mama, tickle my feet." Ok, well that is weird! So I tickle her feet. Well it isn't tickling, more like tapping, then it isn't good enough, too much, too soft, too tickly, other foot.....seriously. Put your foot under the GD covers and GO TO BED!!

4.When your first child starts to talk you are amazed and it is adorable and when the second child starts to talk you are amazed and it is just as adorable especially when they say incredibly funny things. For whatever reason, my youngest adds the /d/ sound to words. So when she wasn't feeling so well, yup you guessed it she was "DICK", she was "SO DICK"! We laughed and laughed, at her expense, and secretly hoped she would be "SO DICK" again just so that she would have to say it!

5.When you have to Number 2 I really don't understand the rationale behind denying it. My toddler will go in her diaper and completely deny that she went to the bathroom. Did you just poop? No! It smells like poop? No! You have a unicorn horn sticking out of your butt? No! I am going to change your diaper! No!! This goes on and on until I walk her all the way up the stairs and actually change her as she is screaming, NO, NO, NO!! I mean somethings you just cannot deny.

6.When my youngest gets exceptionally mad with me she may do the three worst violations, hit, spit, or bite. Today at the grocery store it was nearing nap time and she was not wanting to sit in her car seat, so she lunged for my face to bite me. LAY OFF ME BABY MIKE TYSON! What the HELL!! No that is not ok, well she wasn't going to give in, then she spit. Well we had a big talk about that the other day. Listen, you said you promise not to do that anymore, so you better put that spit right back into your mouth young lady. She looked at me wiped her face and licked her hand. I suppose she was trying to put it back in her mouth, so it felt like a mommy victory, I will take it!

7.Children can never play with toys until their sibling has a toy and then suddenly it is now their FAVORITE toy. This is the rationale of my oldest daughter, because every time my youngest daughter finally gets settled down with a toy my oldest claims it is her favorite and her sister is ruining all of her things. Your things, it wasn't your thing for two months, she found it in the bottom of your toy bin, get over it!!

8.Speaking of ruining things, my toddler is great at doing two things, making crayons naked and drawing all over everything that is not a FREAKING coloring book. So in my mind I was like I want my children to be into art. Well instead, I should have thought I want my children to not mess up my FREAKING house by "Picasso"ing the shit out of it. It starts out fine, a coloring book and she is all absorbed in it and then mommy walks away and suddenly my whole living room is colored. WHAT THE.......??? Thank god for the Magic Eraser, Mr. Clean is a GOD!!!!

9.My toddler is Simon Cowell's not really....this isn't a TMZ exclusive or anything. She just takes after him as no one singing impresses her. If we are in the car, it has to be dead silent. Only she can sing the songs and if someone should so much as utter a sound, you will hear it, NO SING, NO SING, RIGHT NOW!!!

10.All things considered, I am very fortunate to have my "littles" and I know this. As a mommy who was faced with infertility and didn't know if this would ever be my story I do appreciate the times when they drive me a little CRAZY!! Much better them driving me crazy then someone else's children, plus I am the World's OKAYEST mom, so we all have our little things to work on!

Friday, April 7, 2017

Coupon Princess

I cannot exactly call myself a Coupon Queen because I am not exactly an extreme couponer. I don't feel the need to buy 50 body washes in a shopping trip or 20 packs of bubble gum just because it is free, but I do understand a lot about the art of saving a buck. Hopefully these tips will help you save some moola even if it is just at the Princess status not at the Queen of the Throne status.

1.I learned very quickly that I did NOT want to buy lots of Sunday papers. That was a VERY bad idea I mean how many times can you honestly papier mache? However, if you coupon and you want the best deal you often need multiple copies of your favorite coupons. Hence, where you can purchase in lots of five the coupons that you need for a small fee plus shipping. Much cheaper than buying lots of Sunday papers! Plus you get the added bonus of choosing the coupons that you want so you don't end up with five rogaine coupons or cat litter coupons when you don't have a cat or a bald cat.

2.Printable coupons are an easy way for you to find the coupons that you want to use without having to buy any newspapers as well. You can print two coupons per account, unless the manufacturer resets the coupon. Most coupons will reset each month, some coupons that are more popular such as diapers will reset mid-month. I use MyPoints to print out my grocery coupons because I earn points on my printed coupons and I can use the points to earn gift cards. I can also earn points for other things within MyPoints such as surveys, clicking emails, making purchases through the site, etc. There are other sites that are just like MyPoints, but I prefer this one as I have used it the longest.

Click to join MyPoints!

3.Always check with the stores that you shop at frequently for rewards programs that you can use within the store. Stores like Target, Rite Aid, CVS, Walmart, and Shaw's all have their own types of rewards programs that you can use. Sometimes it is a mobile app or you can upload it online and just enter a phone number like the MyMixx program through Shaw's. Target offers Cartwheel, which is both mobile or online. The good thing about Cartwheel is that if it is not a manufacturing coupon you are able to stack the coupons. So if the coupon is from Target and you have a manufacturing coupon as well you can use both, creating a greater savings. SavingsCatcher from Walmart allows you to scan your receipt with your mobile phone and they search for lower prices and then they put the difference on a gift card.

4.Be sure to check out your drug store ads and don't rule them out thinking they will be more expensive. Remember they are in the business of needing to make money also. They often have to have deep discounts or sales to compete with big box stores. So companies like CVS, Rite Aid, and Walgreens will often have prices that are lower on certain products. It may take time to comparison shop, but remember many people have already done that hard work for you. My favorite is of course Hip 2 Save, but another one to check out for deals is Couponing to Disney. Links below:

5. Speaking of going to places that you might rule out, one time I got six months worth of toilet paper for 35 dollars at Staples. Yes you heard that right, STAPLES, the office supply store! With my coupons and the Staples deal it was $3.50 for 30 rolls. Now that is a deal!! So make sure that you really search around. Sometimes the biggest deals can be in the strangest places.

6.Always be prepared by reading your store's coupon policy. Nothing is more embarrassing than thinking you are going to pay under $100 for a transaction and then finding out you spent double that amount because your coupons didn't work because of a coupon policy you didn't know about. Due to the extreme couponers and the show that developed from it, stores have tightened their coupon policies. Now we could get all huffy about it, but honestly they are are running a business and who really needs 50 shampoos in one transaction, are you running a SALON with your SUAVE shampoo, I don't think so!

7.Coupons are for more than just groceries always remember that. There are coupons for EVERYTHING and any good shopper should always search for a coupon before they go shopping or at the very least expect money back when shopping. There are a couple ways that you can do this. You can always go to a cash back site when doing any sort of online shopping. Sites like Ebates, Swagbucks, Mypoints, are all very popular for getting cash back on items. Another way to save money is to always check for coupons upon checkout there are to ways to do this the easy way and the easier way. So the easy way is to check out the website enter the store you are buying from and they will pop up any coupon that is running that day. The easier way is to install Honey on your computer Honey! Honey automatically finds all the possible coupons that could work and they run them before you checkout.

8.Stock up on the staples, and not the ones that stick your papers together. Whenever there is a great deal, (the toilet paper deal for instance) stock up! Now be sure not to stock up on perishables because there is nothing worse than buying 40 yogurts and only eating 10, but you only got them for 5 bucks, well you still are wasting. However, items like laudry detergent, toilet paper, paper towels, bath/body products, toothpaste, etc. these make great stock up items if they are deeply discounted.

9.Always do yourself a favor and check clearance sections in Target or Walmart. If you can find a brand name item on clearance that you have a coupon for double YAY!!! Also some of the best things I get are in the clearance section. I usually buy most of my girl's clothing from clearance or outlet stores with coupons added on to the discount.

10. My last tip is why I may one day be promoted to a Coupon Queen because even though I am just a Princess being a coupon anything comes with great responsibility. Remember that having a coupon is a gift. Someone is giving you money for an item that someone, somewhere will have to buy. So if you come across a coupon that you may not need, it may be of use to someone else. So sprinkle the coupon love! Whenever I get a cat food coupon that I don't need I drop it off in the pet section next to the food and spread the coupon love because someone else will have to buy that food and I just saved them some money! I win, they win, we all win!! Happy Saving!!

Thursday, April 6, 2017

What the....

There are many things that I just don't get....I wonder why they are the way they are and of course because I am labeled a WORRIER and I "QUESTION EVERYTHING" I have to tell you about it.

1.Eclipses are such a hazard for people. One is ok to look at and the other will burn out your retinas. One time we were going out to dinner with friends and there was a lunar eclipse that night. I looked up in the sky and said, "oh look the eclipse is starting." My friend yells out, "don't look at it you will burn your eyes out." She got her eclipses mixed up and all of a sudden I realized we had a crisis situation if you make a mistake you could burn out your FREAKING retinas. So note to self don't look at any type of eclipse.

2.Why can't they attach the head to the people on the traffic signs or warning signs that you see displayed. I have never seen a person with a floating head cross the road or ride a bicycle or drive a tractor. I call a huge BLUFF on your sign. Sometimes I just want to go around with a sharpie and add a neck, how hard would that be to add a neck to the little circle. While you are at it make sure your picture matches what you want us to do. If you want us to sit while on an amusement park ride don't make it look like I am break dancing on the ride because clearly I would never be doing that!
What the...who does my two options are to sit perfectly still holding hands or to get up and with reckless abandon just tell my child to start doing the hokey pokey!

3.I went to the ATM to get money for daycare expenses and noticed there was braille on the drive up ATM machine, now I am no rocket scientist, but I am just wondering what the... What blind person is driving up to an ATM machine to get money out of an ATM machine. "Hey honey I am just going to get some money out of the ATM, oh ok, don't forget to have your seeing eye dog drive you down", I call BS on that. It even says do not walk thru the drive thru ATM's so who is using it?

4.My children watch youtube and not because I am a bad mommy, clearly I hope there is some educational value. Plus there are times when mommy needs a break and screen time is allowed. So when they are allowed to watch their screens they watch youtube and what do they watch you ask? They watch people opening things.......yes this is a thing! So they watch people's hands open bags and say, "ooh....I got a Rainbow Dash pony." Are you kidding me? So I was just curious about this and people make a TON of money opening bags on youtube. I am clearly in the wrong field. Stop writing and open bags of "shit."

5.Why on Earth does Reese's try to make their delicious peanut butter cups into anything other than a peanut butter cup? Honestly the trees just look like Mr. Hanky the Christmas poo and since I love peanut butter cups so much I have to just accept that I ate a peanut butter cup that looked like a poop. Stop making them into shapes that I can't discern and just make them into delicious peanut butter cups. Enough with the Mr. Hanky Poo Cups!

6.How have we not figured out how to make clothes all the same size? I can't go to the store and pull anything off the rack and take it home. Instead I have to try on 500 things that are all "the same size", but some are too big and some are too small, and some are baggy in some parts and not others. What confuses me further is this only seems to happen with women's clothes? My husband can go into a store pull a shirt and pants off the rack, go home, put them on, and they fit great. Tell me how is this possible? Figure it out people!!

7.Since owning my own home I am increasingly more and more jealous of home decorators. I watch HGTV like it is crack and I have dreams of shiplap. I just don't get how they pull it all together. Honestly, I look at my house and granted I have a collection of stuff and by stuff I mean old paperwork, broken toys, and other chaos that barfed its way into my house. My greatest accomplishment is my mantle, which I have been able to decorate for Halloween, Christmas and now for Spring (Easter). I think this is merely a success because it is small space only requiring about six things on it to be decorated. The key is to start small and then one day maybe I will say, "HOLY SHIPLAP I decorated my house."

8. How can something supposedly so smart be so stupid? That is what I wonder about my brand new vehicle that we bought. Yes, we broke down and bought a minivan, first off I was horrified about that as I felt I would never own a MINIVAN. Since I own one though, I should at least own a good one so we bought a brand new one with all the bells and whistles and I mean literally all the bells it beeps at you all the time, you are too close to shit, beep, it might be icy, beep, but when you are actually going to have something important happen like OH SAY RUN OUT OF GAS, it is dead silent not even a single beep. It is like the van is secretly telling you that there are just some things that you need to figure out how to do, don't be so lazy. Don't tell me how to adult van, beep at me, give me a sign, something!

9. Why can't I ever do a do it yourself project without it looking like a disaster. I go to Pinterest and see that beautiful easy to make in ten steps creation and I end up making the creature from the Black Lagoon. Now I will admit I have found myself some great recipes via Pinterest and given my cooking track record there must be some sort of wizardry connected to the site, because god knows I don't know how to cook. Just once though, I want to make something that looks like a project on one of those pins. Adding it to the BUCKET LIST, make DIY that doesn't look like creature from Black Lagoon!

10.I have come to the conclusion that I have "inability to smile when forced to syndrome". When asked to smile for a photograph I instantly get the someone is impaling me up my butt clenched teeth look, with double chins for free look. Just once I want to look like a supermodel without having to work hard, like a glamour shot without having to be all laser background and teased hair. I promise you I have a pleasant smile I mean I laugh a lot it can't be that bad, but I am telling you I have some bad picture faces, the DMV has proof!!!

Walking Dead Woes

I watch the Walking Dead, I know SHOCKER!!! Especially since I said ixnay on the orrorhay (no to the horror) if your pig latin is weak. When I was super pregnant with my first daughter she decided it would be a good idea to be late and not just a few days late, over a week late. So in order to keep myself busy I binge watched 3 seasons of the Walking Dead. Nothing gets the heart pumping and labor started like zombies. So this season I was prepared for the worst, Negan was arriving and he was going to "get shit done"! So imagine my disappointment when the season was just kind of...meh!!! Below are the ten things that made the season interesting! (SPOILERS are everywhere , just saying)!

1.One of my favorite heart pumping, I wanted it to last way longer scenes was the clotheslining of the zombies that took out a herd of them. In my mind I thought keep going, I could watch five minutes of this! Michonne and Rick hotwire their cars with a line between them and just drive and cut through zombies and lots of them. It was an awesome scene and it keeps things interesting, I mean how many times can you stab a zombie and keep it fresh, SNOOZE!

2.The tiger this year whether it was real, whether it was CGI, I don't care! The whole season I yelled at the tv, "MAKE THAT TIGER KILL SOMEONE!" Finally that tiger did his job! The tiger went badass and jumped at the right moment saving Carl's melon and scaring the "shiznat" out of Negan who ran for his life because of the GD tiger. See the clip below and if you haven't seen the season finale yet obviously this is a major SPOILER:

3. Speaking of Negan he drives me crazy, I both love and hate him. I want him dead because he is a pain in the BUTT, but he is so funny! His one liners crack me up and his delivery is spot on. I give major kudos to the directors for casting Jeffrey Dean Morgan as Negan, as he truly is Negan! 

4.So I wasn't entirely impressed with the Garbage Pail Adults this season, they were a little too on the Mad Max side and led by a Tilda Swinton look alike. Her disposition was something to be desired. She was trying to be all sex appeal, but in a dominating way and I am sorry but your bowl cut with extensions wasn't selling it. However, I will give them credit for giving us one of the coolest walkers by far this year, the decked out speared through walker, "cutely named Winslow", that Rick had to fight to prove himself! I hope that in the end "Tilda" gets thrown in the pit with her pal Winslow. 

5. So it is probably time to discuss Lucille and her "tap, tap, TAPPIES", to the head of some of our fave characters. So prior to the season starting I assumed that Abraham was the one that got smacked down. It was the manner in which, they talked him up so much prior to that last episode, got his relationship going with Sasha, he just had goner written all over him. Plus Negan, says, "you are a tough one," I knew Abraham would fit that bill. HOWEVER, given that I know the comic book storyline I knew Glenn was probably in for it as well. I didn't see it coming how the directors envisioned it and that BLEW ME AWAY!! Now who could say that TEARS would be flowing during a zombie show. I mean I was half a box of Kleenex ugly crying. It was that bad and it made me despise Negan, which was the point for us to really not like the guy. Well played!

6.Daryl played by Norman Reedus has always been one of my favorite characters on the show and he is also a HUGE fan favorite. GOD help the directors and producers the day he kicks the bucket. This season was rough for Daryl and he really went through a lot of different emotions. He felt like he was responsible for the death of Glenn and then he was captured by Negan. He got away, had a reuniting with Carol, and then got his redemption a bit by shooting some of them off at the season finale. However, we all know that there are two people that Daryl really wants to knock out Negan and Dwight. He clearly has given Dwight enough chances so he doesn't need to trust him, he is a huge risk to Daryl and he knows it. Daryl is trying to do what he thinks is right for the group and he has every right to be worried. I just hope it doesn't break him, because honestly he is my favorite!

7.Sasha sacrifices herself for the group by turning into a zombie and then nearly eats Negan's face off. I assumed that this was her intention, I mean what crazy person wants to ride in a coffin? However, it would have been much better if she did actually bite him. I know that they want to ride out Negan's character as long as possible, but redeeming Sasha's sacrifice would have made it seem much more worthwhile. I know, I know, Sasha's diversion allowed Carl to then start shooting people and the war began, but still I would have cheered if Sasha took him out!!

8.Is Eugene a traitor or really a good con-artist? I have yet to decide how they are going to swing Eugene's storyline. He has been known to save his own BUTT, many times because he is just so damn weird. I am hopeful that they will make Eugene into a hero instead of a villain because I think he is just too innocent to become truly Negan. I also think that in his quirkiness he is so insanely smart that he thinks about 100 steps ahead and has already figured out how he will outsmart Negan. 

9.Can we just kill off Gregory already? He is one of the most annoying characters and clearly he is giving Negan the information. He is a push over and a coward. Just put him in a corner with his whiskey so he can suck his thumb and cry about it. I hope it bites him in the butt because Negan is no one's friend and Gregory is a fool, he never chooses the right allies. The fact that Maggie saved him from the walkers was a disappointment, he would have been a good snack!

10. So although this season didn't blow me away and leave me in a state of "WHAT'S NEXT?", like last season, I do hope that this lull will lead up to something great! I mean we did have some great things happen, the arc of the season did change some of the characters, like Morgan. Next season we are going to have a different fire out of Morgan and I look forward to seeing how his path develops, and seeing how the now combined groups are going to push to unseat Negan from his throne. Just promise me this one thing, PLEASE TAKE HIM OUT WITH THE GD TIGER!!

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

All the BAD Words

There are some words that just should not be uttered. I am not entirely sure what it is about them, whether it is the sound of them being said, the idea of the word, or what the word stands for but there are just some words that need to be eliminated immediately!

1.I know that this word is highly despised by not only myself, but by MANY people. It is one of those words that people say and it makes me feel all icky inside, like I saw something I shouldn't have. It is often used to describe food and preferably a well made, great tasting food, so much so that food judges on Food Network repeat the word OVER and OVER again as they savor each bite of their food. Shut your mouth right now and just eat your chocolate cake, say it is decadent for god's sake, it is the most decadent piece of cake you have ever tasted, it melted in your mouth. Instead you insist on the most repulsive word in the English language MOIST!!!

2.I am repulsed by the word Bologna, I don't know whether it is the fact that I am thinking of the actual food or that it stems from the torture that my husband and his friends caused me as they repeatedly yelled "fried bologna" at me until I nearly barfed. Yes apparently that is a thing, HEAVE!

3.So bodily things happen it is just part of life, but there is something about diarrhea that is so obnoxious. My friend once told me that her Dad couldn't say the word because he was so disgusted by it so he called it "splooties"! WHAT!!! That is so much worse, that is like having the bad word plus the sound of what is going to happen at the same time uttered from your mouth. Yuck, just tell me your belly hurts and you need some time in the bathroom and leave out the details.

4.My husband has this obnoxious little trick that he does where he ruins EVERY radio song and I mean EVERY RADIO SONG!!! You are bopping along to your favorite new tune and bam in comes my husband to change the lyrics like a bad lip dub and now the song is forever ruined. I can't unhear it and it sticks in my mind everytime I hear that song.

5.I will not say the name of "he who shall not be named". I know he is probably too busy tweeting to some other country, or complaining to the media about their fake news, but honestly his name is a BAD, BAD word. J.K. Rowling talks about him constantly for a reason, I think Voldemort was actually him just bald,with a british accent, and a little more likeable.

6. Words that are impossible for me to say are immediately bad words like Entrepeneur, that is just a dumb word to say. I still can't say it for the life of me, eliminate it immediately. While you are at it get rid of those words with silent letters that make no sense, like BOLOGNA.

7.Now let's talk horticulture for a second because whoever thought it was a good idea to use the word bush would be incorrect. Innocently one day I let my 4 year old watch an episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse only to have Clarabelle cow announce that we had to find the TRIANGLE BUSH, shut your mouth you dirty cow! That word is now going to be changed forever to shrub, find the TRIANGLE SHRUB, you got it cow!

8.There are just some words that are not meant to be uttered but they just happen and after you say them you secretly wish you could stick q-tips in your ears and bludgeon your eardrums. Like curdled, which makes me so sick to my stomach. Having young children there is nothing better than finding that 3 day old sippy cup that your child dropped en route to their crib and you hear your husband say, "anyone want cheese." BARF!!

9.If you hear the word LICE you start scratching your head and if you hear MAGGOTS you start gagging, if you see LICE or MAGGOTS you will both gag and scratch your head. So funny story I got lice one time on an airplane to Las Vegas, "yeah what happens in Vegas stays attached to your airplane seat waiting to latch onto an unassuming passenger." Needless to say it was traumatizing, as I have very thick hair and it seemed an impossible task to manage. Nothing like touring the Las Vegas Walgreens for RID shampoo, there wasn't even a slot machine in the place, how lame!

10. So what is it that makes your skin crawl, your blood boil, makes you queasy or feel downright repulsed? What word is it for you? Maybe it is one of the words above or maybe it is something else that brings back a horrible memory or story, I would love to hear it in the comments below.

Phobias Scare Me

I have a lot of things that I don't like, some are more along the lines of phobias and others are just general annoyances that are just disturbing, gross, or make me generally agitated. I don't know why I am a afraid of so many things maybe I am just one of those overly sensitive spooked type of people who is afraid of their own shadow.

1.Birds tops the list hands down. Their big spear faces, sharp talons, beady eyes, and some of them eat dead things off of the road, preferably I think some would prefer it was me they were eating. I am so petrified of some birds that I can't even make eye contact with photographs of them, turkeys, chickens, ostriches, emus, CASSOWARYS (if you have no idea what that is, I will warn you don't look it up), it is like a GD dinosaur that lived, didn't get blown away by the meteor and is still roaming the earth as a terrifying bird.

2.The Ouija board, uhhhh...ok.....just typing that word made me pee a little. So when I was a kid some girl in my school convinced me that I ticked off a spirit from the Ouija board that latched itself to me. I was terrified of the thing after that. I never looked at the game, played the game, and it was so bad one time I had a sleepover at a friend's house and she had the game in her room and I refused to stay in there until it was removed. I don't know if Milton or Bradley would ever come out of that board and strangle me to death, but I WAS NOT taking any chances.

3.Clowns are the worst thing that anyone ever thought was a funny and good idea for kids. The idea of putting somebody in tons of makeup, with an overly exaggerated smile, big huge crazy eyes, and a red nose and having them try to entertain children was a BAD IDEA!!!! I didn't really care for clowns long before there was a movie about them. Now I love Halloween and the idea of dressing up, but the idea of a person dressing up like a clown seems gross, GROW UP you WEIRDO!! Most recently they have had all those "CREEPY CLOWN" sightings, yeah if I saw one, I would punch it right in its mouth!

4.I have never really watched a Horror Movie, EVER! I feel that the scariest thing I saw as a child was the Thriller video with Michael Jackson, I didn't sleep for a week. I still think that all those plastic surgeries were to cover up his real life zombie face. I think that I didn't like Horror movies because I believed so much in ghosts, aliens, monsters, etc as a kid. When we were very young my brother and I used to run in terror when the theme song to Unsolved Mysteries came on, somehow we knew that song was like the Ring video it would come back to haunt you and kill your family.

5.I am ridiculously superstitious so when I had children it was a true test of my endurance. "No we don't open the umbrella in the house that is bad luck." "No we don't open the umbrella......what did I say about the are dooming our family quit it with the umbrella." I am not a fan of superstitions they make my life so challenging or maybe I just don't like umbrellas....hmmm!!!

6.Pennies are disgusting have you ever smelled a penny, it is SO FOUL!!! No wonder people drop them on the ground, they walk around saying, "what is that smell, do you smell that." Oh jesus, my pocket has a penny in it, GET RID OF IT." Also this may be why there are bath tubs for pennies at shopping malls to get rid of the awful penny stench. Make a wish, "OK I wish you wouldn't smell like a butt, bye butt penny!"

7.So my husband and I often play this game when we drive and get stuck behind an awful driver call "Guess who is driving?" Oddly it usually always plays out like this "old person, probably female." Now don't get me wrong, my grandmother drove for a very long time and drove fast, like a speed demon, but it was because she was always late for Bingo Night! I am declaring right now that if you can't go the speed limit you need to be off the road, STAT, I cannot be burdened by your rubbernecking, sunday driving, can you believe how much has changed tour of the interstate. OUT OF MY WAY LADY!!!

8.I pride myself on knowing how to spell things and I do my best to edit my work and make sure I cross my t's and dot my i's and all that business. So when I got married I was not prepared for the fact that I would be marrying into a family of "I can't spell things righters" not writers (just in case you were wondering if I couldn't spell either). No they can't spell much of anything RIGHT. One time we had a huge storm and one of his family members said they were "BERRIED in snow!" I couldn't resist that one I asked if they were blueberried, strawberried, or raspberried? I hope my children do NOT inherit that gene.

9. When I go shopping I like to zone out because often I try to A. go unsupervised because I may charge things and B. crowds overwhelm me and if I just pretend they are not around I can make it through. When I go through a mall and there are kiosks in the middle if a person should even speak to me and TO HELL if they try to touch my face, "NO, I don't want to try your anti-aging cream and by the way that is rude to judge my face." I mean part of me feels bad for them, they have to get turned down all the time by people who are petrified of strangers touching their face, but it is a STRANGER touching your face. GROSS!!!

10. I hope I am not alone here and that someone can relate to at least one of these fears, annoyances, or general disturbances in life. I can't be the only person that feels this way. I certainly know that I have met some people that are afraid of birds, maybe not my level afraid of birds, but afraid. So now it is your turn if you read this post and make it all the way to the bottom of the list because honestly you should and if you don't I will know because you won't get the magic word, please post your fears below let's compare over coffee and computer!! Oh the magic word is BUTT PENNY!!!

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Books Worth Reading

For those who really know me, well I am a HUGE reader. I consume books probably just as much as I consume chocolate and ice cream. Thankfully the pages of books are painfully dry and they just bind you up, so I just read them and then gladly pass my best recent reads on to you. Links are attached just in case you are wanting to buy them right away, because honestly if these are as good as ice cream and chocolate you BETTER go and buy them, RIGHT NOW!!

1.So I was having a moment some would say after my second child was born and I needed more HUMOR in my life. I say maybe I was just mad that I had now nursed a second child and I now definitely was going to need that boob job. So I went on a blind book date and I met someone, Jenny Lawson. Now I have told her this and strangely she has never responded. I know she is very busy and I am like bottom rung of her high ladder, but she saved me with her humor. What couldn't possibly be funny about a taxidermied raccoon on the cover of a book? Thank god it wasn't a PEACOCK, (see my animal punching post). So if you have not had the pleasure of reading a Jenny Lawson book please read my personal fave Furiously Happy and be sure to check out her most recent book You are Here, which is both an adult coloring book and a collection of stories.

2.I read a lot of YA books, maybe because I tend to be a lazy reader and I like to read things quickly and I am also highly competitive and like to read as many books as possible in a year. Plus I am busy an don't have time to read a 700 page novel, sorry Stephen King I am getting super old! One of my favorite YA books I read recently was The Serpent King by Jeff Zentner. It mixes teenage struggles, with religious extremes and the challenges when you question your faith. 

3. I have two girls age 4 and 2 so I had to put some of my favorite children books that I absolutely laugh out loud at even as an adult. One of my favorite books is The Book With No Pictures by B.J. Novak. The book makes all adults sound ridiculous which children love, it has just enough potty humor to make you wish you didn't read it to your 4 and 2 year old, and then you have to try and figure out a string of non-sensical words at the end of the book for everyone's entertainment. Fun for everyone!! 

4.Speaking of kids books that are just down right ridiculous, but fun for adults as well, the books Mix it Up and Press Here are so fun for everyone at night time. Especially because just like the mythical creatures that come to visit when your teeth fall out and when you put up your Christmas tree, the children are convinced that they are making these things do truly happen. Hours of entertainment for merely doing nothing but reading! These books are written by Herve Tullet, which I never have tried to read his name to my children because I don't know how to say it and honestly I would probably just try to make it rhyme with "curve mullet". 

5.Ok enough with my children because honestly right now they are taking up my valuable reading time and I want to talk more about my books. So every once an awhile I read a book that might not be super exciting, more of a tear jerker or a moving story. I know what humorous person would be interested in that. Well I have more than just one set of feelings and I am impressively well read. You should see my Goodreads books reading list, you would be alarmed! Back to the crux of the matter, historical fiction, ok WAKE UP, I promise you it will be good! The Nightingale is about a woman who works to do anything to piss off the nazis and I mean anything, she is badass and that is why it is not a snooze book it is AMAZING so read it!

6.When you read a great book and you just so desperately want a sequel and then the sequel is kind of are disappointed but you can move on because the first book was just that amazing. This is the case with the book EveryDay by David Levithan. A boy who wakes up as a different person everyday but he falls in love and has to convince the girl of who he is. The story is so romantic and so powerful as it explores all types of relationships and types of love. Can you truly love anyone no matter their looks, their sex, their race, etc.? It is an amazing book about human connection, but I would say skip the sequel you will be sad :(

7.I came upon The Husband's Secret because some colleagues were raving about it and I was intrigued. It sounded like a book that I didn't typically read, but that I would have interest in at least starting. Then I became a Liane Moriarty addict. If you have never had the chance to read one of her books she has this masterful way of writing where she weaves her characters in and out of each others lives so well and then WHAM, you are taken on an emotional roller coaster that you never expected. Her book Big Little Lies was recently turned into an HBO series and of course I would love to watch it, but I have to read the book first. The Husband's Secret sounds so devilish and seductive, but it is far from it and the mystery, misery, and emotion tied to the families are profound. I will warn you, if you are not good at focusing, keep a flow chart or something of characters, NOT like GAME OF THRONES flow chart style, but you know just organize yourself. 

8.Back to books that have sequels but this series is one worth reading Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children. When I first read the book I was intrigued by the photographs that were enclosed. The freakish, carnival style pictures that looked straight out of a horror film, mixed with the fact that the book was supposed to be YA, I wasn't entirely convinced. The monsters are a bit on the grotesque side and they have a taste for eyeballs. I am particularly afraid of anything that attacks my eyes, hence my FEAR OF BIRDS. This series of books by Ransom Riggs is great and I love the fantasy element, the monsters, the mystery, the danger, all the elements of a good book. I have yet to read the last in the series so I hope it doesn't fail me.

9. When I was lying on a bed about ready to give birth to my second child I was reading on my Kindle, the book Wonder. A book about a boy with a facial deformity and the bullying and difficulties he has to face in school and in public. The book was gut wrenching and also so heart warming that a child could face adversity. I loved that it told the story from all sides, how did it affect him and his family, his sister, his friends. It was beautifully written and is now going to be a major motion picture. Do yourself a favor and read this book before you see the movie!
10.I LOVE TO READ, can you tell, and from a variety of different genres, I will leave this spot to be continued as I am reading a book that might just fill in this space, but I don't want to give it the honor until the book is finished. So far so good, but I finally became an adult and decided to read a 700 plus page book. Good GOD!!! Did you know that Stephen King's son writes books and they are just as long as his father? It is like they have contests to see who can write the longest book. Hopefully his book that I am reading will fill this last spot!

Animals who Deserve a Punching

Note: I am a member of PETA and I typically do not display such angry posts, however I do have some disgust towards certain animal kingdom members. To each their own on the animal thing, but some animals deserve a good punch in the face when they are just being difficult (punch in the face is obviously, tongue and cheek and not fist to face).

1. Groundhogs are ridiculous. They are a rodent that gets a holiday, are you kidding me? Then to top it all off if they see their shadow and they somehow predict the weather. This year the winter is absolutely horrible, it is April and we still have snow falling from the sky. Punch him right in the face!

2.I have a HUGE phobia of birds. I am not entirely sure where it all started, however I have my sneaky suspicions. When I was a child my mother worked at a bank where in the front entrance they had an entire peacock taxidermied in the lobby. Now my bank just has FREAKING lollipops, but nope this one had a huge beady eyed, spear faced, peck your eyes out when you look the other way, peacock, just sitting there. I got dropped off by the bus everyday from school to sit in the lobby until my mom left work and guess who was my babysitter, you guessed it Mr. PEACOCK!!! So yes birds punch them all, right in their beak faces.

My babysitter was without the hat and suit pictured above, honestly I don't think he was even interviewed for the job, but the beady eyes and spear face are spot on.

3. We had a HUGE snake in our state! Let me remind you that I live in a cold weather state, a state where you go outside and the cold slaps you in the face and your face hurts and you regret living here. So why is a HUGE snake living in my state? Well some person probably thought it would be a great pet and then realized, oh my small snake is now a BIG FREAKING SNAKE and I better release it into the wild because clearly that would be a great idea. So this became the Loch Ness monster, elusive but leaving behind clues so as not to be forgotten. People saw it eat huge mammals whole and then when it had been all but forgotten it was like, "NO you don't people, I just ate the Duggar Family and look at this, beeyatches, and it grew out of its body and left its skin to scare the living "shiznat" out of everyone. So Big SNAKES, like WESSIE, I punch you in the face!! My guess is the groundhog's winter however killed you so take that!!
This was the giant snake skin that was left from "Wessie" the elusive HUGE snake that may or may not have eaten some of the Duggar Family, I haven't counted them up in awhile. They sent this to a scientist and guess what it was an ANACONDA!!! 

4.So there is this thing where animals get famous on the internet and it is REALLY annoying and the most annoying one currently is April the Giraffe, who apparently has been pregnant for god knows how long. Is she actually going to have a baby or is this just some elaborate hoax where she has just stuffed herself or has a huge giraffe FART she just has to let out because she ate too much! Ugh, someone get that girl a c-section before I have to punch her cute face. Honestly, I love April and I watch her video feed and maybe that is why I am so annoyed by her. Why am I wasting my time for hours watching you pace around and do nothing? Why, because baby giraffes just seem like the cutest thing ever!

5.Ever since there was a certain Department of Education nominee I have been very disgusted with bears. Namely bears that require guns to be in schools so that we can protect ourselves against said bears. I am all for the right to bear arms, but the right to bear arms against bears is just too much!!

6.If you have never had the privilege of seeing a creature with a naked tail than consider yourself very lucky. They are foul and there is nothing appealing about a tail that is naked. Cover that thing up, have your possum mommy or rat mommy make you a tail sweater. First off you are going to get frostbite or something and secondly your tail is gross!

7.Jurassic Park terrified me and the fact that anyone thinks it is a good idea to make dinosaurs roam the Earth again, well since dinosaurs are extinct I am just going to punch you right in the face! That is just plain ol' wrong. They will bite YOUR FACE OFF!!

8.Now just to show that I am truly a member of PETA anyone who decides that fur belongs off the animal and on them I think we know where they should be, right on this list. I mean this is probably why we have all of those naked tails. It is quite amusing to think of all those high class people wearing butts by their faces though, kind of better payback!

9.Ants seem harmless but then you have children who leave crumbs behind and the ants are your worst enemy. They call all their ant friends and say party at their house, they have young children that just toss goldfish crackers, get this, ON THE FLOOR!! Oh yeah, ants get a good punching and good news is I can usually get about four or five with one good punch.

10. When all is said and done there is nothing more majestic than a deer that is standing in a field of mist with its fawn or the cuteness of a mama duck with her ducklings following close behind. The animal world has some truly unique creatures that make our lives so much more interesting. Sometimes I question Noah however and his rationale, I mean seriously a BLOBFISH!! 

Monday, April 3, 2017

Into the Outside

I am not an outside fan, there are many things in the "outside" that are not my friends. A list of potential outside threats.

1.As my friend Scaredy Squirrel has advised me everything outside the safety of the home is "the UNKNOWN". I do not need to go out into the unknown you never know what might be out there to get you.

2.Nature animals are terrifying, when you look at them from the comforts of your home they are majestic and beautiful. When you look at them eye to eye you pee yourself and run for cover. There is no bird I have ever met that I enjoyed seeing outside. (FYI I have a huge phobia of birds, they are basically animals with spear faces aiming directly for your eyes).

3.Bugs have diseases and not just the common cold type disease, diseases that can make you REALLY, REALLY sick. Who wants that? Plus I am a bug magnet, they must think my blood is like the elixir of the gods. It is like they know I am a fine indoor wine, she only comes out once and awhile, she is rare, GET HER!!!

4.Snow is not for me, playing in the cold is not fun. You get all dressed up until you sweat to death and then go outside so that you can freeze your face off. Wow, that 10 seconds of running outside was completely worth my time, I just loved every minute of it.

5.Outside things are not my things. My husband wants me to camp (dry heave). If I want to camp I will go to a one star hotel instead of a four star hotel. There is a good chance of bugs in that place as well.

6.I love the sun but it burns my face and not even into a nice crispy brown tan. Instead I turn into a nice lobster cooked red. I end up bathing in Aloe Vera and wishing that nothing touched my skin at all, no clothing, no children, no air. After all that pain the redness goes down and turns into a nice milky white, wait what the.....NOT FAIR!!!

7.The beach is the definition of BAD!! Sand that burns your feet when you walk on it and then it sticks to parts of your body that then become abrasive like sandpaper. Summer sandpaper thighs are super sexy, they make me question everything about bathing suits, like why Spanx are not in my bathing suit.

8.Let me go back to the birds for a second since I am talking about the beach, those NASTY DUMP CHICKENS, or SEAGULLS, straight out of a Hitchcock film. They will swoop down and bite your face off for your food. They are freaking terrifying and ruin any sort of relaxation that you could have while at the beach. Just to make it worse you have that creepy, "pretending to be nice" beach-goer that has to feed the "poor" seagull. Yeah that poor seagull just ate a whole toddler's lunch and possibly the toddler, do NOT FEED THE NASTY DUMP CHICKENS!!!

9.I am trying to find something great about going outside that I am missing. All the things that I need in life are inside, I don't want to go to the bathroom outside, I don't want to go to bed outside, I don't want to take a shower outside. I need some help here people!!

10. I know that in my heart I love the stars, the sunset, the falling rain, and the rainbows that follow. I am just glad that I can look at all those things from INSIDE!!!