Friday, April 28, 2017

Honorable Mention Adulting

As I mention throughout my blog posts, I am not the blue ribbon winner in adulting, although some days I may pull through the day and take one for the team, but most days I am just a participation trophy adult. Here are the things that make being an adult complicated, and hard, and just plain ridiculous.

1.In order to function as an adult you will have to consume one of the following, caffeine in the form of coffee, tea, or soft drink or you will have to medicate yourself (JK). Some adults have the amazing ability to go without these options I have to use both because again, participation trophy adult. I prefer to medicate with Diet Coke or the occasional Large Dunkin Donuts black coffee. Yes black, don't worry it is flavored so I am not completely crazy, but these are my lifeline. IF I have not had these in the morning, NO TALKIE!! 

2.I am not a morning person, I function in the morning for two reasons, A. see #1 caffeine and children will wake me up and I have one of those ADULT jobs. Yes the ones that require you to wake up in the morning and shower and be a person that functions in society. So because I have to do these things I wake up. I have a lovely relationship with my snooze button, where I hit it repeatedly and then it reminds me, NO, you must get out of bed and adult. I remind it, to SHUT THE HELL UP AND SNOOZE!!! So after 3 snoozes I drag myself out of bed and start functioning and by functioning I mean shuffling my feet in the general direction of my shower. I have often been so tired that I have body washed my hair, oh YEAH kids, look what you have to look forward to when you grow up!!

3.Driving is not the most awesome thing that adults get to do. As a teenager you cannot wait to get your license because it is a rite of passage and it means you get FREEDOM. As an adult it is just a panic attack or a headache waiting to happen. WHY?? Well, because people cannot drive, period, the end. It has gotten increasingly worse with the use of technology and the need for people to text and drive, FYI, don't read my blog while you are driving, but yes this makes life complicated for us SAFE drivers. Yield signs are basically, I don't give a HOOT signs because people never stop and just drive through them and then honk at the person who has the right of way. Thanks, buddy for reminding me that you are an AHOLE, with your horn. 

4.When you are an adult you have something called BILLS and they are not just a friendly guy that comes to meet you, it is a piece of paper with a monetary amount that must be collected. It seems like they NEVER end. You get charged for everything as an adult. I honestly don't know how I didn't know this as a kid. Although, as a kid, I did think that a checkbook was an endless amount of money, if you have checks you must have money. This is NOT TRUE!!! I also thought I could fly off my couch and plant quarters in my backyard to grow a money tree, also not productive. So when you get these bills, they come, and you think how is this even possible, did I even buy this, did I even see a podiatrist. What the??? So children prepare yourself because the bills come marching one by one hurrah hurrah and the little one doesn't stop to suck his thumb he just comes to knock on your door and remind you that the debt collector is going to take your house away if you don't pay him. 

5.When you are an adult you will have to do tasks that you NEVER want to do. When your parents did it for you, you just never thought about it. Oh, Dad is picking up that dead skunk with a shovel and moving it into the woods, good thing because it was gross. Well then you grow up and have to pick up the dead skunk with a shovel, and it is GROSS!!! You will FOREVER have to pick up all the gross things that your DAD picked up, thank goodness he only lives 30 minutes away, because I SWEAR to god if there is anything really gross there is NO WAY, I am picking it up with a shovel, or even a backhoe. NOPE, NADA, SORRY!!!

6.What will the neighbors think? When I was a kid, I used to dance out in the yard and yell and scream because we had a lot of property and the houses were not incredibly close to each other. I am sure with my loud mouth they could hear me from time to time when the wind was blowing just right, but most times it was fairly quiet. I now live in a neighborhood where we have houses on all sides of us, so if my child even says Hi, Mommy, the whole neighborhood knows what's up. So I am always worried about what the neighbors will think. We had decided that it would be a good idea to get a pool for the backyard not a nice one, but one of the cheaper ones, for the girls to play in, but I wanted to be sure I could use it with them too. So it was big enough for me, but all I could think, was WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBOR'S THINK??? Our ugly gross, WalMart pool, trashing up their neighborhood. Look at them in their bathing suits, swimming in their TRASH pool. I immediately thought we have to hide the pool. My husband thought this was ridiculous. I tried to choose a spot where it would be seen by the least amount of neighbors. Well I thought I had done a great job, UNTIL one day, I went to a local taco truck in the park owned by a neighbor that lives down the block from me. I said, "Hi, I live down the street from you." She was sweet and said, "Oh yeah, I think I recognize you, do you have the swing set and the pool in your yard." OH SHIT!! "Umm....yeah, we do." CRAP!! Now the neighbors down the road knew we had a crappy ass pool too. Well so much for my SECRET POOL!!!

7.Nothing gets you more motivated to be a successful adult then watching an episode of HOARDERS. I am telling you now if you want to get SHIT done, just watch an episode of that show and you will be so disgusted that you will steam clean your house. Every once an awhile when I am less motivated to clean my house, like every day, I decide to watch an episode of Hoarders and I immediately get into the cleaning mode. I get out the Magic Eraser and the vacuum and start to get things done. So I just want to give you this heads up that Hoarders is like a prescription for inept housecleaning. Watch it and you will clean your house.

8.The fact that people come home from work and do more work is so impressive. Someone once told me that he cannot sit down when he comes home from work because he has a button on his butt that shuts him off for the day and he will not move. I was like, I TOTALLY HAVE THIS BUTTON, IT IS STUCK!!! When I get home from work I don't think about making dinner, I mean I can't cook, so what am I going to think about, making cereal??? I don't think about doing chores. I don't think about anything accept, reading, sleeping, or not moving. LIKE, REMAINING FROZEN LIKE A STATUE!! If this was one of the possibilities that I could do without needing to get up for a bathroom break I would probably resort to it, often. Instead, I frantically run around my house picking up things that inevitably will end up back out on the floor again and do this over and over again. So if you are an adult that comes home and makes dinner, cleans the dishes, does a load of laundry, and makes dessert, then I LOVE YOU, you are my hero, and I will hire you to come and live in my house.

9.In my mind I have a perfect idea of what I should be doing as an adult, what type of house I should be living in, where I should be with my profession, how many activities my children should be involved in, how often I should balance "wife"ing vs. "mom"ing, but honestly is there a perfect equation to this? I would like to think that someone somewhere has it all figured out, like I am pretty sure Gisele Bundchen has her SHIT together, she just seems like she would be able to adult pretty well. Granted I don't know what she cooks every day or if she cooks every day and if she has a maid or whatever, but I give her a BLUE RIBBON, for ADULTING!! I aspire to be her, plus Tom Brady is not bad on the eyes!

10. At the end of the day I realize that I still have a lot of my life left to figure out how to be an adult. I know that it will be a long time before I have to send my own children off to adulthood and I hope in some ways they will be able to do an even better job than I was able to do. At least they have interest in cooking, thanks to their father and their desire to eat more than just cereal!! For now I will drink my Diet Coke and drag myself out for the day and carry my participation trophy around with me, because I made it into adulthood and that counts for something!

Sunday, April 23, 2017

I Can't Have Nice Things

When you decide to have children you also decide to birth "little destroyers of everything." You will never have anything nice again. So stop buying your nice pottery barn things and NEVER watch HGTV and think WOW I wish I could redo my house to look like that. NO, NEVER, EVER think about that, because as soon as you do it, a big RED crayon will destroy it ALL!!! You have been warned.

1.My children are experts at destroying the mundane things in my house that I don't think that I really care about until they are broken. "Honey, have you seen my camera charger?" "Why the H, does it have bubble gum on it?" children.....and your need to not keep things in your mouth. Why do you have to take the bubble gum out of your mouth and stick it on my things. Go put it on your own things.

2.If you ever have a favorite food kiss it goodbye. Once you have children you will never eat it again. I have considered eating my Ben and Jerry's in my locked minivan in the garage with the lights out in order to salvage any of the ice cream. My children have no interest in eating until Mommy has some food, then suddenly they are STARVING! I told them I didn't want to share my spoon, they quickly went out and got their own spoons and now three spoons dug into the pint of Ben and Jerry's at once. It was a game of the Claw to see who could get the bigger prize, I so wanted to win.

3.I believe that my children should look nicely dressed when they go out into the public. This is not to say that they are not allowed to be children and damage things, things happen. It however, never fails that when I buy something that is particularly nice my children have a way of going above and beyond in the damaging of the item. I bought my daughter a dress that had a tutu with tulle on the bottom, she loved it, she loved it so much she ripped the tulle into a big HOLE!!! A big not fixable hole! I asked her what happened and she said, well, I was trying to climb on this chair and my leg got stuck in the dress part and it just ripped. will wear a paper bag from now on child!!

4.Another thing that children damage just as frequently is footwear, whether it is socks or shoes you might as well just strap 50 dollars to their feet and let them jump in puddles, because it is going to get ruined just like their shoes. I don't know how many times I have searched for a PAIR of shoes, how did I just buy these and there is no match. It is like the elves that make shoes are getting lazy and are just taking our shoes that we leave around and delivering those to homes. Well stop taking our wayward shoes, we need them and I don't have enough money to pay for all these shoes.

5.At night I have to take medication, because I suffer from migraine headaches so I have to take it daily, and I take it every night because it makes me sleepy. I always leave a cup by the sink so that I can take this medication, but since my children have to ruin everything that I own they thought it would be a GREAT idea to fill my cup with hand soap. So in the darkness, I filled my cup with water and took my medicine and washed it down with a whole mouthful of Trolls Mango Hand Soap. HOLY SHIZNAT!!!! This is why I no longer have a cup by the sink to take my medication and why my children have to only use the downstairs bathroom at ALL times. I secretly think my children are trying to kill me.

6.Now I know why my parents never wanted to buy us those cereals with the marshmallows in them, because we always just picked out the marshmallows. I never found the habit annoying until I had children and they did the SAME THING. "Mommy can I have the marshmallow cereal?" "Ok, sure make sure you eat all of it." "I will I promise!" 5 minutes later, a bowl of dry cereal without marshmallows. "You didn't eat the cereal pieces." "I am full!" No, you are full of broken promises and I am never going to buy that cereal again.

7.Tantrums are not something to mess around with people. We are not just dealing with kicking and screaming and crying, sometimes we are dealing with things being damaged and broken. Haphazardly of course in the act of toddler and preschooler distress, but either way, it is chaos. My 4 year old was once so frustrated trying to open a chocolate milk container that she threw it "grenade
style at our dining room wall. Well the "pin" went and BOOM, chocolate milk explosion all over our dining room. I actually have to give my husband and I so much credit as we sat in total silence at the complete mess that we now had to clean up. We handled it way better than I thought we would, nobody had smoke come out of their ears, or their head spin around. Instead we just quietly went and got the paper towels and said, "clean up your mess." It made me loathe white crown molding, but we made it through and it was a TANTRUM parenting victory.

8.One thing that I really want my girls to have is gratitude. We give them plenty and they certainly get to enjoy the things that I didn't always get, but I want to make sure that they are always grateful for what they have. The moment that they are not, you can believe that they will not be getting that "special" toy that they have just been dying to have. I will not raise my child to be a "snooty little brat", the moment I hear, detect, or see any brat about to appear I will start taking things away, even if they are the NICE things.

9.I sometimes wonder why I just don't hire a maid, and then I realize that I would be absolutely horrified to ask a stranger to come into my house and have to pick up the mess that will just be messy again by the end of the day. I mean how often can I clean a living room, well 20 times to be exact in an hour!!! My children have a way of finding empty Amazon boxes and just throwing toys in them and then all of a sudden when I think that things have been picked up I find this random box that is FILLED with toys or other items. One time my daughter had smuggled three cans of food into her room, apparently if we ever decided to not feed her, or there was a zombie apocalypse, she was going to be prepared. So I have now gotten to the point where I try to break down all the boxes as soon as possible. My guess is that they will soon start taping them back together to put their CRAP into!!

10. One day I know that I will have nice things and I will appreciate them. IT will probably not be in my "children" years, which means that it will probably be closer to retirement. My last pregnancy was called a GERIATRIC pregnancy, yes apparently when you have a child at 35 you are now an elderly pregnant person. So when I retire and my children have decided to leave my home and I can make my own space I hope that it really becomes something that I can be proud of. I also am sort of hoping that somewhere in the house I will find a hidden picture drawn on a wall, a squished hand print, or a scrawled name, because honestly those memories are truly the NICE things!

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Extrovertly Introverted

Most people see me as an extrovert, the one that is the loud, boisterous, first one to break the ice, funny girl, when actually I am a closet Introvert. There is nothing I want more than to hide in the confines of my home and never come out. It is actually a really hard chore to get myself to go out into the outside. So when people describe me as an extrovert I am always so proud of my "fake out"! I have learned a lot about my extrovertly introverted ways and what exactly makes me who I am!

1.There is nothing I despise more than the idea of going somewhere that I have never been before. So the idea of house shopping was not something that I found pleasant and was in fact downright terrified. I had to really psych myself up before I was about to walk into someone else's space and decide if it could become my space. I don't know what I was afraid of walking into, I mean I had seen pictures I clearly was not walking into an A&E Hoarder's house, but I felt violated for the people. I have to open your closet, sorry! I have to walk into your bathroom, sorry! Oh, you sleep here, oh good god you probably did, OH SORRY, SORRY, SO SORRY!!!

2. I went to the OB today which is a yearly test of my introvert. First I have to psych myself up because the idea of having to do all of that sort of checking is not something I am going to enjoy and the fact that someone has to witness it, well I am sorry! I heard that OB's get paid really well, honestly they must because I just couldn't do that. I mean all day every day just looking down there. I mean your nose must just close off or you must learn how to mouth breathe or something.

3.So speaking of the OB you think by now they would invent something beyond tissue paper that your naked butt has to sit on while you anxiously wait for the doctor. Anxiety and me=sweating to the paper and "stickage". I literally have ripped the paper and had to peel it away from me to get the exam, talk about embarrassing. The OB always try to smooth it over, "that happens all the time." Oh really it happens all the time, well why don't we go and fix that then and not have tissue paper as an option? Just saying!

4. People always think that I am an extrovert because I talk and I talk A LOT!!! I never SHUT UP!!! Perhaps that is why I like to blog because it is basically silent talking in my head. Kind of the best job for an introvert, stay inside, talk to yourself, and reach out to people you don't know. Win Win!! Anyhoo, back to the talking, so people think I am very outgoing because I always break the ice, but this is merely because I can't stand the awkward silence. I have gone to places where I have broken the ice with the most random things just to kill the silence. "Wow that April the giraffe must have a sore vagina now, do you think they give her some ice." "WHAT??? Did you just say, in the public??" Yes, I have often regretted the words that have spilled out my mouth, but it is because other people need to learn how to talk, so it isn't all my fault.

5.I absolutely cannot lie, not even a little white lie. So if my children ask if there is candy left. I say, "not for right now." Yes it is a horrible weakness and maybe a generous gift. I think my parents put a voodoo hex on me as a child where I could not tell a lie, or perhaps I watched Pinocchio too much and feared my nose may grow or I would turn into a donkey. Needless, to say I have to tell the truth, plus if I even try to lie I give it away, my cheeks burn fire red and I start sweating. A polygraph guy could just look at me and say, "yup she can't lie."

6.I am secretly jealous of friends that get together and do things on the regular. Mostly because I don't do that and it makes me feel as though my friends are more like acquaintances. It also makes me feel like my outgoing self really is a mask that I wear because when I am away from my friends I don't really make the effort. I am impressed with people who say they are my friend, I do a double take, you are my WHAT??? Oh, well thanks, I appreciate that!!!

7.I could probably be a professional sleeper, as a full time job. Just pay me to be Rip Van Winkle, and my family could live off my sleepings and I would be such a hero. I heard one time that NASA was looking for people to stay in bed for three months for a study and I thought that is a job I would be willing to apply for, but then I thought about needing to go to the bathroom, that would not be very fun at all.

8. I will quietly surround myself with books and make a little book fort and celebrate in the quietness of it. A recent study discovered that the majority of women choose reading a book as their way to relax. I agree with this notion as the act of peace and quiet is rarely something that we can just get. The things I was told to do as a young child are now the things I long to do as an adult, take a nap, eat a snack, sit quietly, go to your room.....when will my children start reprimanding me?

9. The difficulty with being an introvert that poses as an extrovert is that you are anxious about everything and everyone just thinks that you are not. So I love to perform in community theater, but the whole process of performing just scares me to death. One time an actor told me, "just before you go on stage push your palms against a wall and take a deep breath that will calm your nerves." Well imagine my surprise when I did just this on a stage wall that then started to crash down in front of me. As I caught it and wrestled it back into position, I thought that didn't make me feel less anxious at all, LIES!!!

10. Some people say I am blunt, others say I am good at poking fun at myself, others say I am extroverted, and some say I am just me, but no matter what, I am something that is for sure. It is hard work when you "perform" all day and on the inside you really want to be a snail and crawl into your shell and be all cozy and quiet. Some of me feels all good about the fact that people think that I have my enthusiastic, outgoing personality and then sometimes I feel sad that when I am not like that people realize that the real me has come out, and real me is kind of BORING!!! Oh well, cheers to BORING!

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Nobel Mommy Prize

Mom's deserve A LOT of credit and I mean A LOT!! We are a pretty amazing lot, I mean I rank probably in the participation category, like I got to join in because I had children, but some Moms are just stellar. Talking, PINTEREST MOM!!! Yeah, you know who you are!! Staying up until 3 am to make that costume for the school play, yay for you, OSCAR WORTHY PERFORMANCE!!! Honestly though being a mom can be tough so if you can make it through any of these things that I consider to be mommy challenges you should get a NOBEL PRIZE!!

1.Do you shower everyday? If so you deserve a Nobel Prize! I used to shower 3 times a day when I was in college and now I am lucky if I can get 3 minutes of shower time every 3 days. It is so bad that when I finally get in the shower, I feel like I have entered a spa and I am rewarding myself. Yes I am rewarding myself with daily hygiene. So if you are a mom who gets to shower on the daily, kudos to you! I think you are the most amazing mom to walk the face of the Earth!

2.Speaking of bathrooms, if you ever get to shower the other thing you will never be able to do is go to the bathroom alone ever again. I have had to go to the bathroom with both of my children sitting on my lap before, just because they wanted to sit with me. When I asked my husband to come get them, he said, "What, they are fine!" No, thank you very much, this is not fine, I don't want lap sitters while I am trying to go to the bathroom. Suddenly I have become Santa and everyone needs to tell me their thoughts, hopes, and dreams while I sit and try to go #2. So invest in locks or an electric fence, whatever you need to keep them away from that general vicinity.

3.This is how desperate my children are to get to me at all costs. My oldest child figured out at age 3 how to pick locks. She was like toddler McGyver! She would search around her room for something to use and pick her lock to get out of her room so she could sleep with us at night. Suddenly this also became useful if we locked the bathroom door for privacy and then she would pick that lock. So not to be outdone, my 2 year old has now learned the business of lock picking. The other day I saw her use an old credit card to try and bust the door open on my husband, while he was in the bathroom. This is madness and I am not safe with these children!!

4.I have an idea that socks when you throw them into the dryer turn into additional dryer sheets, because when I take out a load of laundry I always have a lot of missing socks and a whole SHIT TON of dryer sheets, when I clearly only threw in one. How is this even possible? Chores should not be this complicated and matching socks should not be a game that has to be played EVERY WEEK!!

5.Child safety anything is just a lie!!! If you have a McGyver child like my lock picker you are just in for it. We did all the things that we were supposed to with the cupboard clips, and the doorknob handle covers, and my 4 YO can crack those things like a safe. I can't even figure them out half the time, but she is into everything in like two minutes flat. I really hope this leads to some lucrative job for her because she is like Houdini!

6.Dead silence is the worst when you are a parent. You would think in your mind that silence is the best, but it is not, it is the worst. Silence is when the trouble has begun. Silence in my household means that the children have found something they are not supposed to have and are decorating themselves or my house with it. One day my oldest daughter got into Daddy's cologne during the "silence", she smelled so bad she had to shower because she practically bathed herself in it. Then on another day she decided the bathroom smelled gross so she sprayed my straightening spray all over the tile floor, well it turned it into a GD skating rink!! I will admit, it did smell nice though! If by chance you hear silence and the dreaded, "NO don't tell Mommy or Daddy, then you know you are in for it. This was what we heard the day that my 4 year old decided to color my 2 year old from head to toe with markers. So silence is not GOLDEN and if you don't hear anything RUN and find your children they are destroying themselves or something.

7.I really appreciate the mom who looks put together, she did her hair, put on her makeup, and made a general effort to get dressed and be presentable. I am at the mom stage where I have a bare face, ponytail, leggings and a baggy shirt. This girl is just getting by!!! Now fortunately it hasn't gotten to the point where my husband has said, "you are going out in that?", but I do foresee that at some point. There is just no point in getting all done up when you are just going to get SNOT all over your shoulder, or food crumbs, or some other mystery substance of the day plopped on you. So you moms that get yourself together you are truly my inspiration! I envy you!

8.I don't have a lot of close friends, since I have lived all over the place I have more acquaintances. By this I mean I have like 500 Facebook friends that I briefly talk to here and there, wish them a Happy Birthday, and like the pictures of their cats and kids. Moms that go on shopping trips with friends, vacations with friends, trips with just their husband, moms who have friends period, that is just AMAZING!! I have always been in awe of moms who have a bestie and they do everything together. "Oh, yeah Susie is with her babysitter because my friend and I are going to the Bahamas!!" What??? Why is Susie with the babysitter, don't you have a husband? So moms that have a life outside of "MOMMING" you ROCK!!

9.I think that I need a hobby, do moms have hobbies where they do something other then the mom thing. I watch a lot of reality tv and this one show I watched the moms went and did a Tequila tasting, who would ever think that as a thing? I am even impressed that people come up with this stuff. I haven't had a drink in so long, one taste of tequila would have me tasting the floor. Give me some help readers of my blog, what hobbies could I do to make me a mom that isn't just doing the Mommy thing. My interests include, reading, reading, reading, staying in my house, and reading!!! Good LORD I am a FREAKING book club recluse.

10.I want to say that I am really impressed with the Moms that are out there today doing there thing. You are showered, probably dressed to the nines, with your makeup and hair done up. You just pinned the next ten DIY projects you are going to do with your kids and you are planning your child's 3rd birthday party and they just turned 1. Yup, I LIKE YOU MOM!!! Please accept your NOBEL MOMMY PRIZE!!!

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Follow List Mommy on Facebook

Things just got SUPER CEREAL!! So I started a Facebook page so that I can see where everyone is from and we can talk about serious things like how to clean out those stupid sippy cups that are gross! So if you want to join me on Facebook and you know you do because everyone LOVES Facebook you can join here!!

Come and Join us for some Honorable Mention Adulting!

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

You are KIDDING me!!

I have always been convinced that the best way to parent is to pull one over on your children. I mean if I can negotiate with them in the moment to avoid the inevitable meltdown I will do it. In the future, we can just say, "Oh remember when Mommy used to tell you that....well that was a DOWNRIGHT LIE....HA HA HA!!! Hey some mom's have there things.

1.So I once heard someone say, " I told my children when the music plays on the ice cream truck it is out of ice cream." Well that is absolutely genius! My children never ask me for money. My 4 year old hears the music as it rounds the corner and says, "Mom, it's out of ice cream again." "Oh, I am so sorry honey, that you can't buy that $4.00 Spongebob ice cream pop that you will just eat the gumball eyeballs out of and then melt all over my house." I want to kiss the person who devised this brilliant trickery and hope that my oldest doesn't start to figure it all out!

2.My husband bought me this adorable piggy bank where the panda bear pokes his head out and drags the coin in. It took forever to arrive because it was shipped from China, but it was worth every cent. My children became so obsessed with the thing that they started to go scrounging around the house for coins. I was beginning to think that I had found a small business for myself. I had to lay down the law when they were willing to bust into their own piggy banks to continue to make the thing work, I am not that greedy! That piggy bank is a secret gold mine though!

3.I am what you would call an Honorable Mention kind of adult. I am just OKAY at being a wife, I am the World's OKAYEST Mom, and I probably get a capital F in housework. So when I had children and they offered to do chores I thought, well YAY for me!!! Then I realized why the Duggar's have 19 children, they basically had the whole Downtown Abbey staff ready and waiting for them to cook, clean, and take care of the other children. I used to think they were crazy, now maybe they were secretly brilliant. Anyway, my children were excited to do things that I didn't consider exciting like wash my fridge doors, this is a job that typically I wouldn't even consider doing, until a MAJOR holiday, but my 4 year old would have done it every weekend, just to be helpful. Well gosh darn, you little helpful bugger, you are hired. So yes my children are awesome and I love that they like to do things around the house, because dishes are not my thing!

4. The oldest child is so PICKY when it comes to eating. She can't eat anything unless it is a chicken nugget or candy. So we have gotten to the point where we lie and when she asks what it tastes like we say "candy". What is that? That is meat candy! Yum I love it! Of course you do, eat your meat candy!

5.Sometimes I just don't have the heart to go anywhere out of my house, it can be a physical challenge for me to remove myself from the wonderful confines of my safe home. Also if by chance I end up having to go somewhere unknown it is a whole different story, because this could end up with me becoming completely lost with my children. This is a terrible situation for everyone. So to save the heartache of everyone being miserable the place is just closed, until Daddy can take us.

6.Yes should probably not ever be uttered from a parent's mouth unless they are ready to do something immediately. Mommy can I invite my friend over? "Yes that is fine!" Oh SHIT!!! I said it, and quickly realize that now I am in BIG trouble. Now, can they come over right now? NO! In five minutes? No! In an hour? NO! TONIGHT! NO! NO! NO! In fact they can't ever come over, I forgot your father has to make these decisions. Just a word of warning never utter Yes and more than likely you should also stay away from maybe, as that is just a Yes in disguise.

7.When you have young children date night or afternoon is a nap at the park and ride. Honestly, my husband and I have considered going into one of those Escape Rooms and not trying to escape. Nope, we realize our time is up and we didn't get out, we were napping. Sorry is our time up, can we pay you for another hour?

8.My children would proudly run around naked if I allowed them to. They enjoy the freedom of their nakedness and wouldn't hesitate to parade around the house without clothing unless I tell them otherwise. I have often told them, "put your undies on someone is at the door." This gets them dressed and then they run down to see who was there. Who was it? Oh, just someone I didn't know!

9.Remember your children will always promise you that they will behave when presented with a situation that they want to do. Do you promise to be on your best behavior? Yes, we will, I promise, Sissy do you promise, ok she promises too! Don't be fooled by these lies! It is never a promise that they can keep. They can keep this promise for about five minutes and then it becomes complete chaos and everyone at the restaurant hates you! They give you the death glare and wish you had found a babysitter, and how dare you bring your children out who blatantly lied to you, with their filthy promises? They are catching on to this scheme way earlier than I ever imagined.

10. No matter what it takes you know that it is always for the best. Sometimes the toy your child wants is just not that good or too expensive, oops mommy doesn't have any cash and you can only buy this with cash. Whatever it takes remember it is for your own sanity and also your children will one day forgive you because they will do it one day as well to you, when they are sneaking in at some late hour!

Sunday, April 9, 2017

We WON'T Negotiate with TODDLERISTS!

Our toddler is as she states, "aweso" (awesome)! We love her to death and we think that she will grow up to be the least likely to drive us crazy. I hold out hope that she will be the one who will care for me when I am old and gray, because she loves me that much. However in the mean time she turned 2 and everything became horrible.

1.Everything she wants, she immediately doesn't want. "Mommy, milk please!" I stupidly go and get the milk like a trained monkey only to have her sprawl out on the floor and yell, "NO MILK, NO MILK!" Good Lord, what on earth just happened. We just went from milk please, to the demonic possession of a child screaming NO!!!! So back to the fridge goes the milk, "NO MOMMY, MILK PLEASE!!!" Are you kidding me??? When do you get efficient enough to get your own things?

2.My toddler has a sleeping threshold where when she is tired she goes from completely fine to overtired in 2 seconds. One minute we are reading a bedtime story and next thing we know it is Death CON, every man for himself, as she is screeching at us, SLEEP, SLEEP!! Ok, I get it close your eyes, I am not holding you against your will. You are a child with hardly any responsibilities, you get the pleasure of enjoying a nap, which often times you refuse. Mommy would love to have a NAP!! So just close those eyes and relax.

3.My oldest child had a pacifier way too long and by way too long, people were giving us wayward stares at Disney as my four year old screamed for her WUBBY!! OH yeah, she was attached! Fortunately, just before PreK started we magically got that thing out of her face and got rid of all of them. My youngest never took to a pacifier and I was secretly happy because having your four year old walk around with one I didn't want to go through that again. Then she started to come up with her own self-soothing behaviors, which are TERRIBLE!! At first it was rubbing the thumbnail of whoever she was rocking with. I couldn't stand it, it was like nails on a chalkboard, my husband had to rock her every night because it DROVE ME CRAZY! She finally got over that one, but now has acquired a new request that might just propel me back to the thumbnail rubbing, TICKLE my feet. WHAT??? Yes, she sticks out her foot from the covers as she is starting to get tired and says, "Mama, tickle my feet." Ok, well that is weird! So I tickle her feet. Well it isn't tickling, more like tapping, then it isn't good enough, too much, too soft, too tickly, other foot.....seriously. Put your foot under the GD covers and GO TO BED!!

4.When your first child starts to talk you are amazed and it is adorable and when the second child starts to talk you are amazed and it is just as adorable especially when they say incredibly funny things. For whatever reason, my youngest adds the /d/ sound to words. So when she wasn't feeling so well, yup you guessed it she was "DICK", she was "SO DICK"! We laughed and laughed, at her expense, and secretly hoped she would be "SO DICK" again just so that she would have to say it!

5.When you have to Number 2 I really don't understand the rationale behind denying it. My toddler will go in her diaper and completely deny that she went to the bathroom. Did you just poop? No! It smells like poop? No! You have a unicorn horn sticking out of your butt? No! I am going to change your diaper! No!! This goes on and on until I walk her all the way up the stairs and actually change her as she is screaming, NO, NO, NO!! I mean somethings you just cannot deny.

6.When my youngest gets exceptionally mad with me she may do the three worst violations, hit, spit, or bite. Today at the grocery store it was nearing nap time and she was not wanting to sit in her car seat, so she lunged for my face to bite me. LAY OFF ME BABY MIKE TYSON! What the HELL!! No that is not ok, well she wasn't going to give in, then she spit. Well we had a big talk about that the other day. Listen, you said you promise not to do that anymore, so you better put that spit right back into your mouth young lady. She looked at me wiped her face and licked her hand. I suppose she was trying to put it back in her mouth, so it felt like a mommy victory, I will take it!

7.Children can never play with toys until their sibling has a toy and then suddenly it is now their FAVORITE toy. This is the rationale of my oldest daughter, because every time my youngest daughter finally gets settled down with a toy my oldest claims it is her favorite and her sister is ruining all of her things. Your things, it wasn't your thing for two months, she found it in the bottom of your toy bin, get over it!!

8.Speaking of ruining things, my toddler is great at doing two things, making crayons naked and drawing all over everything that is not a FREAKING coloring book. So in my mind I was like I want my children to be into art. Well instead, I should have thought I want my children to not mess up my FREAKING house by "Picasso"ing the shit out of it. It starts out fine, a coloring book and she is all absorbed in it and then mommy walks away and suddenly my whole living room is colored. WHAT THE.......??? Thank god for the Magic Eraser, Mr. Clean is a GOD!!!!

9.My toddler is Simon Cowell's not really....this isn't a TMZ exclusive or anything. She just takes after him as no one singing impresses her. If we are in the car, it has to be dead silent. Only she can sing the songs and if someone should so much as utter a sound, you will hear it, NO SING, NO SING, RIGHT NOW!!!

10.All things considered, I am very fortunate to have my "littles" and I know this. As a mommy who was faced with infertility and didn't know if this would ever be my story I do appreciate the times when they drive me a little CRAZY!! Much better them driving me crazy then someone else's children, plus I am the World's OKAYEST mom, so we all have our little things to work on!